Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.

Why I hate attorneys in the business world

OK so I need to vent. I'm currently in Belgium for work, basically getting by on a steady diet of caffeine, chocolate, and anger. I normally love my job and the folks that I work both with and for, but there's this one person who makes me want to kill.

First of all, let me give a little bit of background. Until recently I worked for a Fortune 100 company as an IT Project Manager, specifically for the CEO's office. Basically I was the IT Goon to the stars (as much as business exec folks can be stars). The people that I worked for were routinely in the news, and it was pretty interesting to be the "dude behind the curtain" for a lot of what they were doing. I got a lot of toys (if they wanted em, I had to play with em) and overall it was fabulous.


Unfortunately along with supporting the CEO's office, I had to support the "top 10" of the company...again, most of them great people. They were appreciative of what I did for them, and the fact that I kept them up and running. All except 1. The damn attorney.

Now look, IT is a largely thankless job. That's true from the folks on the front line at a Service Desk, up to and including people like me who pound on developers, engineers, and support people to get things done. We VERY rarely get an email saying "Hey, just wanted to let you know that system is working fantastically!", and a majority of our day is spent listening to people bitch: sometimes about legitimate gripes, often about them simply being dumb. You come to expect a certain amount of that. But I digress...let me tell you a little bit about this....ATTORNEY...person.

So, this high powered attorney is one of the least charming people I've ever known. Honestly bordering on aspergers or even sociopath-ness. She has absolutely no comprehension for how her actions impact other people, and has completely lost her connection to reality. In short, whatever she wants she typically thinks is OK to ask for and, if that doesn't work, demand. Let me provide a few examples:

  • She once called my office to ask someone to come to her house to troubleshoot a laptop issue. Her words "The laptop won't connect to the internet". Reality? Laptop won't boot up, throwing a fan error. 300 dollars worth of car service because she didn't want to carry the laptop into the office (despite the company's "1 laptop" policy, she has 4 of them, 1 in each of her homes and 1 in the office)
  • Again once called in for a support call claiming that she was having printing issues at home. As it turned out, she was able to print just fine: her son was having the printing problem
  • Her husband would routinely call in for help logging into her laptop when she was out of town - a violation of our policy in every way. Thankfully this one we were allowed to push back on
  • Possibly the worst: receiving a 9 AM email on a Sunday saying that we needed to set up a town hall broadcast, companywide, for 4 PM that same Sunday. Get the crew together, haul into the office, get setup. 3:30 PM get email saying she's decided to do it at 4 the next morning instead. Get in at 3 the next morning, setup ready to go by 4...and when she finally arrives at 5:30 the first thing out of her mouth was "Somebody get me a starbucks"

So yes, this woman is obviously a great attorney to have achieved the success that she has. Unfortunately she's also a terrible human being deserving of a shanking.

So, as I said, that's the company I formerly worked for. I've now gone with a "spin off" of that company. More convenient location, better culture as a company, and a nice little pay bump to go with it. Oh plus I don't have to deal with the psycho I'm talking about above...HOWEVER...the head of legal for said new company? Yea, she looked up to that other woman as a mentor and is doing her best to follow in her footsteps. Example? (Keep in mind, we've only been established as this new company since June, so we haven't gotten much of a body of work yet) - during the aftermath of hurricane Sandy, this...delightful young woman...decided that she needed a verizon mifi. Her AT&T one wasn't working (maybe because, I dunno, there was no effing power to the whole area). Somehow we managed to arrange for her to get one delivered from a local shop, but it was being setup as a personal, non business account, and she'd have to pay the bill on her own. Mifi was turned off a few months ago for non-payment. When she discovered it wasn't working and started making calls, she proceeded to blame her admin, me, two other techs, and Verizon...when in truth it was simply that she hadn't paid her bill.


Another example - we were coming home from an offsite meeting and the airports in our destination were closed down due to bad weather. It happens, and all of the other bigwigs were accepting this with some calm and decency (for those who read the article, this was the trip on the private plane that I posted about). This...PERSON...spent an hour pacing, yelling at people, demanding other options...even threatening to call the CEO of the company...and worse, getting all the other bigwigs who WERE calm and relaxed worked up. She's poison to the environment. She has a couple of my techs as well as her admin ready to walk out the door. She's...ARGH, you get the idea.

So why am I kvetching about this today? Well...we arrived in Belgium only to discover that her work blackberry was not connecting to the international network. Why? Hell if I know - account is ok, but the sim card is jacked up. It happens and we're taking care of it...but this morning I woke up to no fewer than 8 emails from her, making suggestions of people I should call (right up to a senior vice president). I've tried explaining that doing that is kind of like calling the CIO because your laptop won't boot up, but she just doesn't get it.


So what is it about high powered attorneys that makes them total sh*t-bag asshats? Why is it that they lose the ability to be normal and polite human beings. I mean look, I get it - you're an attorney, and as such have a unique approach to things. Know what? I'm a friggin Six Sigma black belt: I don't apply those principles to arguing with my girlfriend however. So how is it possible that I've found TWO attorneys, both of them total buttheads? Are all attorneys like that? Any suggestions other than my original thought (choke the shit out of her)?

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