"Bang bang! I got you!" "Nuh-uh! You missed!" "Did not!" "Did too!" "I'm tellin'!"
Ah, good times. Back in the halcyon days of youth, we could run around and play Cops-n-robbers, Army, Cowboys....it didn't matter. We had imagination.
And, imagination allowed you to use anything as a gun. A stick, your finger, a golf club, a baseball bat....again, it didn't matter.
Thinking back on those days, my friends and I used to play Army. Sometimes we were battling the Nazis, sometimes the Japanese Empire. For us, Vietnam was too fresh a memory, so we stayed in history. Well, in the 1940's at least.
I look back at the amazing things we used to accomplish. Why, myself, Butch, and Pogo managed to capture Berlin all by ourselves! Heck, Hitler didn't commit suicide, we executed him before the Ruskies could get there!
Ah, we were good. But, to do the amazing things we did, we had to make up some outrageous weapons. Like a rifle that fired bullets big enough to destroy a tank if you hit it right, magic bullets that fired around corners, heat seeking bullets, miniature fighter planes. You name it, our rifles fired it.
Adults who watched us used to marvel at our imaginations.
Little did they know, we weren't too far off.
Armies have been designing weapons for unconventional warfare since the beginning of time. Guess what my subject is today.
That's right! FRENCH FRIES!
We've all seen the shows on the History chanel about how the Germans made a gun with a curved barel to shoot around corners, or how the allies considered making an aircraft carrier out of pykrete. How the Japanese launched ballons filled with explosives to attack the US, or some of the tanks the British used on D-Day.
But, those weapons are normal.
In 1994, a lab in Ohio was working on a chemical weapon. But not to worry, it was non-lethal. It was a combination of pheromones that were designed to be sprayed on enemy troops that would induce homosexual behavior. A 'Gay Bomb', if you will. I guess the point was to keep the enemy so occupied trying to woo each other, you could attack with minimal casualties. This same group of people presented the idea of spraying the enemy with bee pheromones, then hiding bee hives near their lines.
While the Gay Bomb never materialized, some other odd bombs did. Durring WWII, the OSS, (precursor to the CIA), developed a special gas. It was given to members of the French resistance, and it was to be sprayed on German officers. The main attribute of this spray? It smelled like rancid poop. The thought was to humiliate the officers and lower the morale of the occupying forces.
Another one that saw actual use in WWII was a mine the british came up with. In the battle for North Africa, German Panzer troops thought it was good luck to run their tanks over fresh camel poop. (I know, right?) The Brits got word of this, so they designed an anti-tank mine to look like camel poop. After a while, the Germans caught on to what the Brits were doing, so they started driving over only the ones that had already been driven over. So the Brits, ever the clever folk, made the mines look like they had already been driven over.
Finally, I give you another one that never left the drawing board. Again, in WWII, the RAF, (Royal Air Force), noticed that when they tried to bomb German shipping, they missed quite a lot more than they hit. So, they put their best people on finding a solution. (and I use the term 'best people' very loosely here). The best idea they could come up with? Well, one of them noticed that cats, when dropped, always landed on their feet. When paired with the fact that they avoid water, the idea was presented to strap a bomb on the back of a cat, and drop it out of a plane. The idea was, the cat would right itself to land on it's feet, and because it didn't want to get wet, it would guide the bomb to the deck of the ship.
I'm not even going to dignify that last weapon with a comment. Other than to say, once again, I can not make this shit up. My imagination is good, but not that good.
That's not to say cats were never used in war. When the Persians invaded Egypt, they took advantage of theEgyptians worship of the cat. They rounded up every cat they could fine, and just before the battle, they released them onto the battlefield. The Egyptian commanders, faced with harming thousands of cats, opted to turn around and go home.
And on that note, I'm going to go worship my cats.