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Otters Oddities

Illustration for article titled Otters Oddities

No no.....I’m fine. Once we win the ten grand from that funny video show, it’ll be worth the surgery....


Today is the day. The one day of the year that I actually have to look good. You see, it’s picture day. I have to sit with the rest of the staff for the group picture. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I also have to pose for my ID picture. But, I’m prepared. I shaved my head last night, so I’ll be bald, but there will be just enough stubble to keep the shine down.

Last year I did the glamour shots pose for my ID. They didn’t use it, but they did all get a good laugh at it. I have to figure out what to do this time. That shouldn’t be an issue though. I’m a fairly imaginative guy.


Do you know what else I am? I’m odd. One of the way I express my oddness is by going down every rabbit hole I can find on the interwebs. The sad part is, you don’t even have to look very hard to find those rabbit holes.

It is down those holes where I find some of my topics. A good example is last weeks topic. All I was doing was some research on a town in England who hung a monkey, and I discovered vagina bread.


For this weeks subject I went down another rabbit hole. No. Let me change that. It wasn’t a hole, really. It was more of a divot. I was researching something about nuclear weapons and I clicked a link. That one link led me to the information I wanted, but also included another link. Being the adventurous soul I am, I clicked it. And I promptly forgot everything I had researched up to that point.

Yep. It’s one of those.

I thought last weeks subject was pretty iffy, but I went with it anyway. Well, this one is, in my opinion, even more questionable. But there is no way I can’t use it for a post. It’s definitely odd, and it might even count as a public service announcement.


It’s about a medical condition. Granted, it’s an extremely rare condition, but it is real. It’s so rare that doctors didn’t think there had been a single case of it in the 20th century. They were wrong, but more on that later.

The condition I’m referring to is called Penis Captivus.

I’m sure you can guess by what the condition is called that it involves the penis and the fact that it’s being held captive.


You see, what happens is, the man finds a woman who thinks he’s not 100% repulsive, and they engage in what’s known as ‘Happy-fun-naked-together-time’.* At some point the man will try to remove himself from the action and become trapped. As in, stuck tighter than Pooh’s head in the Hunny Jar.

And, just like Pooh’s head, no amount of pulling will free the captive soul. It could, in fact, cause damage to the affected areas.


So, what exactly is going on? Well, simply put, the muscles in the womans vagina clamp down so tight that the man can not withdraw his half of the transaction. The two must remain connected until the muscles relax. That can take anywhere from a few seconds to several hours.

Doctors first reported on cases in the 19th century, but most reports were second hand until a couple of papers published by German gynecologists in the 1870's confirmed the condition was real. In the late 1970's the British Medical Journal revisited the two papers and concluded that the 20th century hadn’t seen any cases. Shortly after that report was published the BMJ received a letter confirming there had actually been a case in 1947 in England.


Some experts think it’s related to a condition called Vaginismus, which is a condition where the muscles of the vagina contract so penetration can not occur.

Vaginismus isn’t very well understood. It’s not even known for sure which exact muscles are involved, or why they clench up. But the main difference between Vaginismus and Penis Captivus is the former won’t let things in and the latter won’t let them out.


So, if you ever find yourself in a situation where a vagina of your personal knowledge traps a friendly penis, just relax. While the two may be connected, eventually the muscles will relax and the two shall part.

* Or, if you’re doing it right, ‘Wet-sticky-sweaty-time’.

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