Teh Lord spoke wif me, and he sez "Oh hai! Can I has taht cheezeburger?". And I sez, "Onlys if u iz not wanting to use dat hands ebber agains.".
I'm not saying cat's are evil. (yes I am). I'm just saying that cat's don't really respect authority. And by no means am I implying that cat's are atheists. I'm just saying the the phrase is 'All dogs go to heaven".
Also, no matter what a cat does to you, from sticking it's butt in your face, to waking you up at 3:00 am, you always forgive them.
In fact, you not only forgive them, you go out at get a second one because one is just not enough. But this doesn't mean they are evil. It simply means they have some sort of mysterious hold over the soul of humans. Because, even people who are committed cat haters will have to suppress the 'D'Aww...' when they see a 6 week old kitten frolic.
But I don't want to get started on cats. It may be too late already. My cat's are staring at me...I might have already said too much. If I don't survive the night, it was the cats! The cats did it!
No. The truth is, I love cat's. Lived with them for almost my entire life. And for the few years I didn't have them were the most restful, peaceful, non poop and puke filled days of my life. And I hated every minute of it. Because, even though it's annoying as all get out to have your cat wake you up at 3:00 am, it's just them wanting to love you for a while. (or you forgot to put food in the bowl again, moron).
But today is not 'Speak highly of cats' day. Nope, it's Monday. And because we all hate Mondays, it's the day I've chosen to make something up. The fact that it's Made Up Monday is just a coincidence. But I will be posting a fact, and it will be up to you to decide if I'm telling the truth or if I'm lying. Shall we begin?
One thing that is not disputed is, some people worship cats and some people despise them. In ancient Egypt, they were revered. In *insert country name here*, they are eaten for food. (I'm not naming a specific country because there are several where cats have been consumed. Tradition has it that cat meat warms the body in the cold winter months.)*
Some people just don't like cats. Here in America, we call them crazy. In Europe, they call them 'Pope'. All right, I'll admit, that wasn't fair. Not all popes dislike cats. Some of them are cat people and some people are not. But some people take their hatred of cats to the extreme.
One of those people was Pope Gregory IX, who ruled the church from 1227 to 1241. You didn't want to mess with Greg. He was a lawyer! As an example of one of the things he did was, accuse the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II of not fulfilling his promise to the church. In 1220 during his coronation speech, Frederick had stated that he would lead troops to the holy lands to liberate the lands that rightly belonged to the christians from the evil Ottoman hordes.
When Greg ascended to the papacy in 1227, Fred had only led troops to Jerusalem where he declared himself king, and in 1229 signed a treaty with the local muslims that greatly favored them. This really cheesed off Greg. So Greg excommunicated Fred. They bickered back and forth until 1232 when they kissed and made up. (don't judge them...)
The peace lasted until 1239 when Fred defeated a group called The Lombard League. They were an alliance formed in 1167 by the cities of Italy to stop the Holy Roman Emperors of the House of Hohenstaufen from taking over control of Italy.** Fred was a member of the House of Hohenstaufen.
Fearing that Fred would surround the papal states and attempt to assert control over the church, Greg once again excommunicated Fred. He also called a council in Rome so he could detail the crimes of Fred to other church leaders to gain support in overthrowing him. But Fred began sinking the ships that contained the envoys. This was...it was open war against the church!
Fred tried to gail allies against the church while Greg tried to gain allies against the Holy Roman Emperor. Supporters of the pope excommunicated supporters of Fred. Supporters of Fred found reasons to dispose of supporters of Greg.
This arguing, (never quite an all out war), lasted until 1241 when Greg died. His successor, Innocent IV, officially called Fred deposed as emperor in 1245, and Fred died in 1250, (probably from dysentery), while living as a monk.***
So, now is the time for you to pay attention, because I'm about to tell you something, and it might be true and it might be made up.
Gregory IX really didn't like cats. In fact, he disliked them so much, he was the pope responsible for declaring that black cats were the companions of the devil. It was this declaration that caused the deaths of up to 100 million people!
So non-popes, did Gregs hatred of cats cause the death of 100 million people, or did I just pull than number out of.....thin air. (you thought I was gonna say 'my ass', didn't you?)
I'll be here tomorrow to supply you with the answer.
* It's true. In some large cities of some large country, popular tradition says that eating cat in the winter will keep you warm on the inside.
** The Holy Roman Emperor very rarely lived in Italy. In fact, most of them were German or Austrian or Spanish. Remember, Rome had split into two, the east and the west. In the year 800, Charlemagne became the first Holy Roman Emperor. This is not to be confused with the Roman Emperor who was reigning in Constantinople. In the east was the surviving remnants of the actual Roman empire. In Europe, the Holy Roman Emperor was 'First Amongst Equals' with the other Roman Catholic monarchs of Europe. The Roman Empire (fell in 1453 with the final fall of Constantinople), and the Holy Roman Empire, (fell in 1806 when Napoleon forced the last emperor Francis II to give up the title), were not the same thing.
*** Hoo-boy....Frederick II of the House of Hohenstaufen was a book in himself. I could spend a long time telling you all about him, his arguments with the church and with everyone else, but I just don't have that kind of time.