In plain english, that means 'Eat up all that candy you got from Halloween and this is what your teeth will look like!'
Or maybe it means 'Hey, do you have any lotion for my hands? This dry winter air is murder on them.' *
Or maybe 'Esmeralda! Why didn't you meet me in the cupola?'
Also, someone should tell him it's not polite to eat your pizghetti and meatballs with your bare hands.
No no no....I'm just kidding. That picture is, in fact, an artists recreation of the typical SAE member. (ohhh...too soon? I know not all SAE members and alum are douche-diapers, but it's a current topic for ridicule. And frankly, if I said it was an artists recreation of a typical ISIS member, they might kill me...)
But today is Tuesday. Truths-day. Tell The Truth Tuesday! It's time for me to tell the truth about yesterdays post.
I actually liked the whole ice-on-fire post. Why? Because science! That's why.
You see, I was telling the truth. Please, allow me to explain.
Ice X. (aka ice ten)
Clear? No? Allright, try this on for size then. On the planet Gliese 436 b, water ice burns. That is, ice, made out of water like we have on Earth, is on fire, like we have on Earth. The ice burns.
How is this even possible? Well, it's a little thing called gravity. You see, Gliese 436 b is a Neptune sized planet that orbits the red dwarf Gliese 463. The surface temperature is estimated to be ~800 degrees. This heat causes the ice to burn.
But.....if it's so hot, and it's on fire, how can it be ice? This is where the gravity kicks in. Heat and fire consume the components of water and discharge the remnants up as smoke and steam. Except the gravity is so high, it condenses that steam back into ice. The gravity crushes the burning water back into ice. While it's burning.
Yes, I know, this is very counter intuitive. But it's very simple, really. We all know water, (and everything else, really), has different structure. It can be solid, or it can be liquid. It can even be a gas. So, what causes that change? Besides heat and cold, I mean. What physical changes take place in the water molecules that make it change states?
That would be the amount of molecular activity. The colder it gets, the slower the water molecules move. And this allows the electrons to latch on to each other making liquid a solid. (go ahead, be a scientist and figure out on your own how water goes from a liquid to gas). The more molecules that stick together, the more ice you get.
Unless gravity changes it. You can make water ice with immense pressures. And that's what the gravity is doing. It's applying so much pressure to the water, it's transforming it into what's known as ice ten. Water is two parts oxygen to one part hydrogen. As pressures become higher, it forces the two oxygen atoms closer together. This allows the water to compact. But water is incompressible.
No. it's not. Not really. I mean, we can't do it. But just because we can't do it doesn't mean it can't be done. It just means we can't do it....yet. But things happen naturally that we can't do. And burning ice is one of them. (no, starting a fire with a polished ice sphere is not the same as burning ice).
So, I was telling the truth. Ice can burn. I only skimmed the surface of Ice X, though. I have other things to write about, and also, it's dinner time and I don't get to eat until I'm done with this post. And when you're a chubby otter who likes food, well, don't block the fridge! but if Ice X makes you curious, read a summary of it here.
But on to today. I know some of you reading this play video games. But some of you don't. And even if you do, you might not recognize the character or the game it came from. Well, it comes from the Left 4 Dead franchise. It's called a Jockey. It was one of the special undead you encountered in the game. Unlike the regular zombies you had to kill, the Jockey would jump on one of your team mates back and take control of you. hence, Jockey.
I hated Jockeys. Not as much as the Witch, though. Although, with the right weapon, I could kill the witch after triggering her, but before she could one-shot you. But then, I was also the guy who stood back and sniped all the dead with his M16. Because I could!
As it turns out, a zombie called a Jockey is just the perfect picture for todays subject. Because, that subject is a jockey named Frank Hayes.
Frank wasn't really a jockey. He was actually a horse trainer. But as part of his training duties, he would ride the horses. And he liked it. And occasionally, an owner would let him ride in a race. He wasn't very good, though. He never won a race. Well, until the race at Belmont Park on June 4th, 1923. This race was a steeplechase. And Frank really want to get his first win. So he trained not only the horse he would be riding, Sweet Kiss, but also himself. And as part of his training, he dropped his weight from 142 pounds to 130 pounds in about a week.
And on the day of the race, Frank was exuberant. He had a good feeling about this race. This wasn't just a positive attitude, he knew there was something special about this day. He was going to win. Finally, the time for the race came. Frank lined up with the other horses and waited. And:
Welcome to the track at Belmont Park. I'm your announcer, Ottermann. Before the race, let's have a look at the lineup;
In lane 1, Passionate Lady.
In lane 2, Bare Belly.
In lane 3, Silk Panties.
In lane 4, Conscience.
In lane 5, Jockey Shorts.
In lane 6, Clean Sheets.
In lane 7, Thighs.
In lane 8, Big Dick.
In lane 9, Sweet Kiss.
In lane 10, Heavy Bosom.
Conscience is left at the gate! Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off fast! Heavy Bosom is being pressured! Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick, and Sweet Kiss is moving up into a dangerous spot!
WE'RE AT THE HALFWAY MARK!
It's Bare Belly on top, with Thighs open and Big Dick pressing in! Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard into Clean Sheets! Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly! Big Dick is under pressure from Sweet Kiss!
WE'RE IN THE FINAL STRETCH!
It's Big Dick giving it everything he's got and Passionate Lady taking all Big Dick has to offer! It looks like a dead heat! But here comes Sweet Kiss creeping up fast on Big Dick! I't a close one, but it looks....YES! Sweet Kiss just swallowed the Victory from Big Dick!
Alright, I'll admit it, that's not the actual line up, nor the actual transcript from the race.**
But the horse Frank rode was named Sweet Kiss. And he did win the race. And as the horse slowed after crossing the finish line, a trainer grabbed the reins and led Frank and Sweet Kiss to the winners circle. Once there, the horses owner placed the wreath on the horse and Frank.....fell over sideways off the horse.
When someone bent down to check on Frank, he was dead.
It was later determined that Frank suffered a massive coronary in the middle of the race. Most people questioned about the incident say that about the half way point, when Sweet Kiss took the lead and began pulling away, Frank stopped using the crop to speed up the horse. It's surmised that the combination of the rapid weight loss and the exhilaration of taking the lead and looking like he would win his first race were just too much for Franks heart.
Well, after the race, the winning jockey had to go weigh in again. but Frank was dead. Showing a little bit of class, Belmont Park changed the rules for Frank, and officially recorded him as the winner of the race despite his not being able to complete the post race tasks.
* In the game Torchlight II, there is a dungeon that if you randomly click on a non-interactive bucket, you get the flavor text, "It put's the lotion in the bucket".
** I didn't copy this word for word, but I plagiarized it heavily. I changed a few things, like the name of one of the horses to Sweet Kiss, and also a few parts of the race so it worked for my post. I found it on another site, answerology.com, in a post by oldman52 from a post he made in 2013. I wish I had come up with it, because it's pretty brilliant. It makes it better if you read it out loud, really fast, in an announcers voice. (you know I did....)