Tis is why I'm not allowed to work on multi-bajillium dollar space probes that get sent to other planets. I'm the guy who would secretly put a vinyl martian on the main camera just before liftoff.

In mission control, they would pop the champagne at touchdown. People would cheer. Then they would power up the vehicle. All systems go. Ok...turn on main camera and let's get our first look at Mars!

OTTER, YOU SONUVABITCH!

Yep. And that's the only reason I'm not allowed to work on those missions.

I'd laugh the whole time security was escorting me out. And while the FBI was booking me. And in court. And in prison. Laugh my freaking ass off.

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Today is a good day. (well...it will be when it get's here. But that won't be for a few more hours.) It's going to be the coldest day this week. The high temperature will only get up to 27. Somehow, we'll muddle through. Also, I have to travel to an onsite location after I'm done at the school to fix a couple of printers. That means I get Taco Bell for lunch. Plus it's Thursday.

Totally Trippy Theory Thursday, that is! Today is the day I tell you all about an actual conspiracy theory that people actually believe. And I have a real doozy for you today.

Remember back in 2008 when there was all that hubbub about how Obama couldn't be president because he was born in Kenya? Well, he wasn't. He was born in Hawaii. We have a scan of a picture of a photocopy of his long-form birth certificate to prove it!

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But that's just what the CIA wanted everyone to think. Because if the republicans spent all their time trying to prove that Obama was born in Kenya, then they wouldn't find out the truth. And if democrats spent all their time trying to prove that he was born in Hawaii, they wouldn't find out the truth either. And if they didn't find out the truth, then neither would the public.

You see, the truth is, there is no Barack Obama. It's a false identity given to the man in the mid 80's after he finished working for the CIA.

You see, he was born Barry Soetero. He was recruited by the CIA in the early 80's for a dangerous mission. He and a small group of other teens were trained to be chrononauts. And in 1981, Barry used a secret teleporter located at the CIA to go to Mars. His mission? He and the others were to make contact with the people and animals of Mars and acclimate them to the human race so there would be fewer misunderstandings when the government formally announces that we've been to Mars.

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Barry took two trips to Mars. One in 1981 and the last in 1982. And his mission was a success. He and the rest made contact with the martians. They studied all there was to know about them, and taught them about us. Now when we make contact, we'll be ready.

And getting to Mars will be easy. The CIA can replicate the teleporter they have in their 'Jump Room'* to make as many as they want so anyone who want's to go to Mars will be able to.

So, when does the CIA plan on telling us about Mars and about how we've been there? Well, that's why Barry Soetero became Barack Obama. So when he ran for president and people started researching his past, no one would find out about his real identity. And when people started getting close, the whole 'born in Kenya' thing was concocted.

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The plan is for Obama to announce to the world about our contact with Mars on his last day in office. He will then step into a teleporter and lead the way for the colonization of our newest home.

I really should have invested in the companies that make aluminum foil a long time ago....I could be rich right now....

* That's it's name.