Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.
Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.
Illustration for article titled Otters Oddities

HO! HO! HO! And by that I really mean, Hahahahahahahaha......

I don't decorate for the holidays. Ever. Well, I do have a Christmas tree, but I keep it up all year round. It's one of those Charlie Brown Christmas trees. So it doesn't really count. Because it's up all year.


I just never got into decorating. When I was a kid, I hated it because all the decorations went up the day after Thanksgiving. That was a WHOLE MONTH before Christmas. It was hard enough waiting for it, but when you were reminded that Christmas was coming everywhere you looked....

These days I don't decorate because I live alone and I have cat's. I see no point in putting up decoration to only take them down a little later.


My sister loves it, though. So does my step-mom. They both go all out. My sister is a bit worse, though. She has ~30 trees, all decorated, in her house. Most are small ones, but she has at least 3 full sized ones.

No....I'm not the only odd one in my family...

Anyway, last year I wrote an Otterized version of 'A Visit From St. Nicholas'. I was going to repost it, but after reading it again, I decided not to. Instead, I'm going to come up with another one.



T'was the day before Christmas and Otter was lazy,

it makes a man tired when they're so full of crazy!

His tube socks were flung about the room without care,

his nice brand new sweater was draped on a chair.

Some children were outside, playing real loud,

with the racket they made, it must be a crowd.

They blasted some music, I think it was rap,

now there was no way I could partake in my nap!

I listened and outside a commotion occurred,

it seems some poor child was suddenly served!

I looked out the window, what I saw wasn't nice,

this poor child was served with some lame Vanilla Ice!

The sun was obscured by clouds grey and dreary,

when you hear Vanilla Ice, it's hard to be cheery.

And then my wandering eyes did espy,

the dude from the video store, man I hate that guy!

With his grease slicked back hair and his pimply face,

I quickly searched about for my large can of mace.

His smile was crooked, really more of a sneer,

I can't handle him sober, so I chugged all my beer.

He's ugly, he's smelly, he's rude and he's fat,

and on his fat ass, I want to make him go 'splat!'

I ran out my front door, quick as could be,

from his annoyances, I'd set the kids free.

"Hey", I yelled, as I ran up to confront him,

"No more Vanilla Ice, not even on a whim!"

"Now back away slowly," he softly demurred,

"or just like these kids, you find yourself served!"

I considered his challenge, an unmistaken threat,

but Otter has skills, so I accepted that bet.

"Foolish young mortal!", I laughed in his face,

and off to get his jams, this otter did race.

I dug through some boxes, 'til I found what I sought,

some old cassette tapes which I one time had bought.

I returned to face this smelly dude that I hated,

and we stared each other down while insults were traded.

I told him to go first since he was so cocky and sure,

but he stood no real chance, my skills were so pure.

His cap he turned backwards and his collar he popped,

he cranked up the boom box as his crap beats were dropped.

He twisted and spun, his legs he did kick,

I must admit, that his skills were real sick.

He flipped and he jumped and he pulled off the splits,

his dancing was so good, I almost called it quits.

When he was finished, he smiled his sneer,

"Try to beat that!" he said with a cheer.

So I inserted my music, into his boom box so loud,

and stretched out my muscles to try and make the music proud.

I hit play on the boom box and paused for a bit,

when all at one, the realization hit.

He knew he had lost before I began to move,

there was no way he could beat my unstoppable groove.

Before I had even started moving my feet,

he turned off the music and admitted defeat.

"I know when I've lost, I gave it my best",

"Now I'm going home, my soul needs a rest."

The children all cheered and about they did prance,

for no one can top Otter and this magic 'Chicken Dance"!

*No apologies to Clement Moore this time.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter