Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.
Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.
Illustration for article titled Otters Oddities

Do you have Prince Albert?*

In a can, I mean. Of course in a can. This is a family blog. (no it's not)

You people are sick! Of course I meant in a can! I know I have a reputation for being that crazy guy who you enjoy associating with but aren't quite willing to admit you know.


Ok....let me start over.

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Then you better let him out before he suffocates!

Ok. That was lame. I never liked that joke. If you want to call it a joke. It's almost as bad as 'Is your refrigerator running?'.

So what. Who cares. Big deal. None of this matters anyway. I know, and you know the real reason you're here, reading this post. And that's because it's Thursday. Totally Trippy Theory Thursday, that is!

Yes, it's one of my favorite days of the week. It easily makes the top 7....It's the day where I tell you all about a conspiracy theory that is a real theory that some people, somewhere, actually believe. I don't believe them, but then again, I am smart. S M R T, smart.


Today I have a bonus for you. I have two separate theories that are like the Wonder Twins: strange on their own, but when they combine.......

The first theory has to do with one of the members of the British royal family. And that would be Prince Albert Victor, Duke of Clarence and Avondale. His family called him Eddy for short. Because, really, Prince Albert Victor, Duke of Clarence and Avondale is quite a mouthful.


This is one you may have actually heard of before. And that is the speculation that Prince Eddy was actually Jack the Ripper. The theory goes that he killed the first prostitute to cover up the fact that he fathered a child with her. And he enjoyed it so much, he continued murdering the women.

I can tell you that this theory is 100% false. Some still believe it, but Eddy had an unimpeachable alibi for the night of September 30, 1888 when two women, Elizabeth Stride and Catherine Eddowes, were killed by the Ripper; He was 500 miles away at Balmoral in Scotland, entertaining German dignitaries with Queen Victoria.


But, just because a theory is false, and can easily be proven as false, is no reason to not believe it, is it?

Anyway, the second theory also involves a member of the British royal family. This time, it's Prince Albert Victor, Duke of Clarence and Avondale. (why does that name sound familiar?)


This time it has to do with mystery and intrigue!

In 1892, when Albert Victor was 28, he was about to be married to Princess Mary of Teck. And as a wedding present, Albert Victor was to be named Viceroy of Ireland by his mother, Queen Victoria.


Sadly, it was not to be. Just one month before the wedding, Albert Victor died. He had succumbed to pneumonia which he contracted as a result of the influenza pandemic of 1889-92. The future king of England was gone.

Or was he?

The theory goes that he faked his death and moved to Germany where, using the power of his cousin, the Kaiser, had a whole new identity and background created so he could live his life in obscurity.


But why would the future king, about to be married, want to leave it all behind?

Well, here's the scoop. In 1889 London police raided a brothel that was located on Cleveland Street. But this was one of the taboo brothels. It featured male prostitutes. And no. That doesn't mean the customers were female.


Now, this being Victorian England, homosexuality was a really big no-no. The most prominent man arrested was Lord Arthur Somerset. This was bad new for Arty. In an attempt to keep his client out of prison, Somersets lawyer started a rumor that none other than Prince Albert Victor was also a frequent customer. Always looking for the biggest fish they can fry, the police conducted an investigation.

Not a single one of the prostitutes even mentioned even seeing Albert at the brothel. No one was found that could place him anywhere near the place. And no one could find any inkling that he would have had inclination that leaned that direction.


The result? The police found the accusations baseless, and that they were merely an attempt to focus attention away from Somerset.

Still. Once that idea is ut into peoples heads, it's hard to make them forget it.


Even though there was not even one small scrap of evidence that could even suggest Albert had been involved int he scandal at all, his reputation still took a hit. And the Queen began to wonder if the public would ever truly trust Albert as their king.

So it was decided thatAlbert would die, his brother George would become king, and Albert would live out his life in Germany, in obscurity.


So, in 1892, using the current influenza pandemic, they faked Alberts death. Albert moved to Germany and began living his new life. The new identity Albert chose? Well, he decided to become an artist. And he changed his name to........Adolf Hitler.

Now, if we do a little simple math and add theory #1 and theory #2, we come up with theory #3: Jack the Ripper was Adolph Hitler!


Yeah. I don't make these up. I just report them as I find them. The theory is just silly, of course. I mean, if it were true, Hitler would have been 91 in 1945.....Which means he couldn't have escaped to Argentina where he died in 1973...I mean 1989...I mean 1992...I mean is still alive.

I'll admit, theory number 3 isn't an actual theory I found. But if you take the Albert as Jack the Ripper, and Albert as Hitler, well....Jack the Ripper was Hitler.


*There is another Prince Albert. One that isn't the man, nor the tobacco in the can. It's a body modification in men. A penile piercing, to be exact. You can find many pictures if you really want to see metal in penises, but.....I don't. So, if you ask someone if they have a Prince Albert, you are asking if they pierced their weenie.

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