Hvordan er jeg fortsatt i tegneseriene? Jeg er ikke nå, og har heller aldri vært, morsomt.
That's a funny joke up there. Well....it's not really a funny. And it's not really a joke. It's just a statement of truth.
And the language might not be accurate. I chose one from my heritage. But it could also have been one of several other Scandinavian languages to be accurate.
I like salad.
Well, not really. I mean, I'll eat a salad if it's done correctly. By that I mean, no dressing. And no tomato's. Or Cucumbers, onions, olives, radishes...Basically, give me a plate of lettuce with some croutons, bacon bits, sunflower seeds and some cheese, and I'm good.
Have you ever eaten a weird combination of food? I mean, like, two or more foods that are good, and then you combine them. For me, it's peanut butter on my hot dogs. I'm 45, and I've been doing this since I was 4 or 5. Yes, it's weird. But yes, it's good. Try it sometime.
It's almost as good as putting peanut butter in your chili. Again, this is something I've been doing for as long as I remember. Growing up, peanut butter was my ketchup. I would literally put it on everything. I did discover there are things that just don't work with peanut butter. For example, a cheese sandwich.
That's right. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is good. A peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich is good. A peanut butter and banana sandwich is good. A peanut butter and honey sandwich is good. Heck, a peanut butter and celery sandwich is good. But a peanut butter and cheese sandwich? Not good.
Although......it has been quite a few years since I've tried it. Maybe I'd like it now. Hmm...what if I didn't use American cheese? What if I went with something like a sharp cheddar, or a smoked gouda. Or something like a good parmesan....
Why am I talking about pairing peanut butter with different things? Well, you're probably thinking this post is going to have something to do with vikings and peanut butter. And you'd also be wrong.
Because they were lazy, the vikings never met up with the peanut butter having people. We know the vikings came to North America. But they didn't go very far south. They mostly stayed in Canada, but there is some evidence they may have travelled down into New England.
Which isn't anywhere near far enough south. Had they gone all the way to Mexico, they would have met up with the Aztecs. And the Aztecs had peanut butter.
You didn't really think George Washington Carver invented it, did you?
But the vikings were just too darn lazy to follow the coast south. Just think of what would have happened if they had? Imagine if Columbus had stumbled onto Hispaniola and discovered a lost colony of vikings? Now, if that isn't a sitcom just waiting to be filmed, I don't know what is.
But peanut butter and vikings are a moot subject, because that's not what this post is about. Besides, everyone knows the vikings preferred vegemite.
But this post is about a viking. His name was Sigurd. And he worked as a forecastleman on the ship of king Harald Fairhair when he took his men to conquer Orkney.
Long story short, Sigurds brother Rognvald lost his son Ivar during the campaign.So when Haralds forces finally won, he moved on to conquer other locations and made Rognvald the Earl of Orkney.
Rognvald looked around and said there was no way he was staying on Orkney, so he gave his earldom to his younger brother Sigurd. And Sigurd became Sigurd the Mighty, Earl of Orkney.
History get's a little vague at this point for a while. Sigurd was a fairly good leader though. Orkney prospered while he was earl.
Sigurd formed an alliance with Thorstein the Red, and together they set off to do a little conquering of their own. They gathered their men and sailed south to Scotland where they took over all of Caithness and most of Argyll, Moray and Ross.
Sigurd built his stronghold at Moray and set about consolidating his power.
One of the people who didn't like this was a local magnate, Maelbrigte. He was known as Maelbrigte Tusk due to his seriously horrid overbite. His teeth literally stuck out his mouth. Maelbrigte took offense at this Earl of Orkney who invaded his land. But he didn't have the power to really do anything about it except make life miserable for Sigurd.
So, the two men decided it would be in their best interests to settle their differences like civilized people. They agreed to meet, with each man bringing only 40 men for protection.
But Sigurd didn't trust the Scottish. So he put two men on each horse and went to the meeting.
Maelbrigte was a man of his word and brought only 40 men. But the sight of the extra men Sigurd had brought enraged him. Even though he was out numbered, he ordered his men to attack and kill all the invading Orcadians.
Oh...it was on...
The outcome was....predictable. Out numbered two to one, Maelbrigte and his men didn't stand a chance. And after he battle was over, Sigurd had his men behead the corpses and strap the heads to their saddles as a show of their might. Sigurd took the head of Maelbrigte for himself.
But the Tusk would have the last laugh.
As they approached their stronghold, Sigurd and his men began to gallop in victory! They were going to make a stupendous entrance!
But the gallop caused Maelbrigtes head to bounce around. And it bounced right into Sigurds leg. And those protruding teeth cut his leg.
Now, imagine, if you will, the personal hygiene of the times. Vikings were known to be clean compared to their contemporaries, but by todays standards, they would be pretty filthy. Plus, they had ridden all day with a battle in between. And the Scotts weren't known for their proper dental care.
So, needless to say, the cut that the now dead Maelbrigtes teeth cause soon became infected. And the infection spread. And festered. And became the last cut Sigurd would ever get.
Shortly after his victory, Sigurd died from the infection.
So, Sigurd the Mighty was killed by the man he had beheaded several hours earlier.
Man, karma can be a real dookie-head, can't it?