Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.
Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.
Illustration for article titled Otters Oddities

I believe I can flyyyyyyungh! Damnit! I believe I *grunt* can *uuunnnggghhhhh* FLY!!!! DAMNIT!


Silly fly. You landed on jam. Jam is sticky. Now, if you hadn't landed, and then wriggled yourself down into the jam, to wallow in it like a pig in mud, maybe you could escape.

But since you can't escape, looks like I get extra protein with my toast.

Ok. No. If a fly was stuck on my toast, I would not eat it. If anyone was looking. I would flick it off, then inspect the area where it was sitting closely. With my eyes closed. And then I'd finish my toast.


But insects, as a whole, are a very good source of protein. We could actually survive on them, if we had to. People do, in other parts of the world. In fact, eating bugs is one of the things they made us do in the military during survival training. They forced us while they could, because it takes the heebie-jeebie factor out of it if you have to do it in a real-life survival situation.

At least, that's their reasoning. I think they made us do it because they are just big bullies at heart. It was gross when I had to do it, and the thought of doing it now is still gross. For the record, the ants didn't really taste like anything when you ate them one at a time. And when I ate about a dozen at once, (to get it over with), I didn't have time to think about the flavor because I was too busy trying to catch the ants as they crawled all over the inside of my mouth.


Lesson for you: If you ever need to eat ants to survive, eat them one at a time and squish them a bit before you eat them so they don't crawl around. They're fast buggers and can be darn hard to crunch between your teeth....

Also, If you do need to eat bugs to survive, try to eat small ones. Sure, it takes longer, and you need more of them, but I also ate a grub. It was about the size of a mini Tootsie-Roll. These are almost 100% protein, and they will not poison you. They wiggle a bit, but one bite is all it takes to kill them and prepare them for swallowing. You can swallow them whole, but that requires water. And if you're eating bugs to survive, water is probably scarce.


I would like to tell you what the grub tasted like, but I can't. You see, when you bite down on them, they are like little water balloons. In other words, you bite, they explode in your mouth. And you start to gag. You don't wan't to, and I might not if I bit another one because I now know what to expect, but that first time, you are not expecting the vast quantity this tiny little grub contained. They hold a lot more than you think they can. Squish a grub sometime. Now, imagine that inside your mouth.

So, while you can eat insects, and even survive on them, don't do it. It amazes me that there's people who use fried bugs in cooking. And scorpions. I'll starve before I eat a scorpion, thanks.


You can add chitlins to the list of things I won't eat, too. They had them in the breakfast chow line in the Marines, and one of my former buddied told me they were good. I had no idea what they were at the time, and they didn't look bad. So I had some.

Don't. Don't ever. Not even for giant gobs of cash. I understand some people like them. And if I had the good fortune of trying actual home made chitlins, I might have even liked them.


But these were military chitlins. They were prepared by the same cooks that were able to make the scrambled eggs runny. The powdered eggs. So....don't. Just, don't.

But I am not here to gross you out by describing the eating of disgusting things. (yes I am). I'm here to give you your daily dose of odd. So, let's get on with it, shall we?


How many of you are basketball fans? Anyone?

I'll admit, I'm not really a fan of basketball. I do like high school basketball. And I can tolerate college basketball, for a few minutes. The NBA? Can't stand it. Olympic basketball? I'll watch that, though.


Does that seem inconsistent? It all has to do with rules. In high school ball, they follow the rules. If you travel or double dribble, you get called for it. In college, they are starting to call it less and less. In the NBA? They never call it. And it disgusts me.

These are professionals. This is what they get paid obscene amounts to do. And they can't even follow the most basic rules of the game! Either enforce the rules of the game, or remove them as rules.


But this oddity isn't about the rules, and how the pros get away with ignoring them. It's about the game it's self.

Well, movies about the game, at least.

There are a lot of movies that have basketball in them, but I'm ignoring them. I'm talking movies where basketball is the main focus of the movie.


People eat that stuff up. It's a popular sport, and movies about it are also popular. Basketball has been the subject of serious dramas, farcical comedies, weepy love stories, inane kids movies.

And the movies star unlikely heros. The short guy. The white guy. The geek. The dog. Ok...did anyone see Air Bud? Or any of the lame-ass sequels? Seriously? A dog playing basketball, baseball, volleyball, football, soccer? Yikes.


But, out of all the basketball movies you can think of, which one do you suppose earned the most money?


White Men Can't Jump?

He Got Game?

Semi Pro?

The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh?

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong.

The winner is:

Space Jam.

That's right. As popular as basketball is, the highest grossing movie featuring basketball is Space Jam. A movie where Michael Jordan and the Looney Toons save the toons from a group of evil cartoon aliens who want to force them to work in an intergalactic amusement park.


And to make sure it's a good basketball movie, it has Michael Jordan and his magic underwear. I don't count the fact that the aliens steal the talents of such NBA stars like Muggsy Bouges, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Larry Johnson and Shawn Bradley. Sure, they are in the movie, but it's not like they played the aliens. The animators drew the aliens fantastic play.

So, while there was a little actual basketball in the movie, most of it was drawn. By animators. Who probably can't play worth a darn.


Which means, most of the basketball in the highest grossing basketball movie was fake!

Yeah. I like to shatter the favorable memories people have about movies....

Anyway, all that talk of eating bugs got me hungry. I think I'll go make myself a burrito. With rice in it. Rice that looks like bugs.....



Share This Story

Get our newsletter