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Otters Oddities

Illustration for article titled Otters Oddities

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! would...why....why would someone even.....

But wait!

I, Mr. Ottermann, am here to rescue the besmirched name of the almighty otter! I shall provide the evidence needed to redeem the esteemed otter from this.....OH! Hang pizza is done. I have noms to take care of.


*Insert Jeopardy music here*

That was one tasty pizza. Yeah, it was frozen. So? It was a Totinos Party Pizza. You know the liquid on cardboard with little brown hunks of meat-like substance and a few sprinkles of fake cheese-like wood shavings. They cost, like, $1.69 when they aren't on sale and $1.00 when they are.


They're my favorite. I don't really have a rational explanation for it. There are other frozen pizzas I like, and I buy them sometimes. They are actual pizzas, and use actual food. But still, the Totinos is my favorite. I think it has to do with the fact that they are almost identical to the pizza we were served back when I was in elementary school in the 70's.

This was the free-wheeling 70's; The era when seat belts were first made mandatory in cars. No one used them, except to belt in the groceries. Us kids still stood up in the back seat. This was the heady time when school food was whatever they could afford. You know, before Reagan decided to set the high nutritional standards of school food, such as making ketchup a vegetable.


So we got cheap-ass pizza that....was....THE BEST FREAKING THING YOU EVER ATE!

Seriously, the pizza was good. I even like the hamburgers, even though I'm sure they didn't contain a single molecule of beef.


I spend half of my working days in a school now, doing their IT work. Schools now serve breakfast, which you all know. But they didn't when I was going to school. Anyway, if they have any leftovers, the cooks put them in the teachers lounge. About once every 10 days they serve pizza for breakfast. AND IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME PIZZA I REMEMBER! Oh...heaven.

I see the kids today eating their school lunch. They have an entree and some fruit, and veggies. We never got that. We would get a vegetable, sure, but fruit was rare. And it was always the wedges of orange that you could put in your mouth to imitate a mouth guard.


Our daily staple that always came with lunch was a small paper cup of World War Two surplus peanut butter with 3 small celery sticks, and a bread and butter sandwich. Yup, two slices of bread with butter smeared between them. Not the whole thing, though. We only got half.

Dang....why am I talking about school food. Let me scroll up and see what I was talking about....


Oh yeah. I was going to tell you about how otters can't be evil, no matter how much you associate them with 666.

We all know about the number 666. The Christian bibles book of Revelations says it's the number of the beast. And we all know that the bible can't contain any mistakes, right?



I'm not making fun of anyones religion. But for someone to say there isn't a single mistake in the bible is proving they know a lot less than they think. First, English isn't the bibles original language. It was first written in Aramaic, or Hebrew, or Sumerian, or Coptic, or some other language. It would have then been translated into another language, like Greek. Or Egyptian, or something else. Then it would have been translated into Latin. And from there, into German, and then English. You honestly believe that there wasn't a single mistake in the translations?


Anyway, there was a mistake in the translation. Several, actually. But I'm only focusing on one of them. And that is the number of the beast.

So, what exactly is the number of the beast, anyway? Well, it's your ticket to survival if you get passed up for immunity from horror. At the end of the world, the four little ponies of the apocalypse, (Sparkle Puff, Jiggly Toes, Rainbow Moonbeam, and Steve), come and start destroying everything. Fire rains down and everyone suffers. But before the next horror happens, the truly faithful are granted immunity from the horror.


And that's good for them. Because next come the locusts. Not the grasshopper locusts, though. More like the Gears of War locusts. And they sting everybody who isn't immune. Then the demonic army comes and kills 1/3 of the people.

Then two beasts come. One tries to convince the survivors to worship the second beast. They show their allegiance by getting the mark tattooed onto their forehead, or right hand. This mark is either a symbol, the beasts name, or it's number.


And Revelations says the number is six hundred, three score, and six. Or 666.

Too bad it's wrong.

Back in 2005 in Egypt, at a garbage dump outside Oxyrhynchus, archeologists dug up trash dating back to the third century CE. Among the debris, they found many examples of writing. Many were unreadable. But there was one in particular that shed light onto some pretty important data. As it turns out, it was a fragment of the book of Revelations from the third century.


This was the oldest example of Revelations ever found. And it gave the number of the beast as 616. Leading scholars know that in ancient times, numbers were used instead of names when writing about hated or feared people. And the leading candidate for the identity of 616 would be the Roman emperor at the time, Caligula.

Before this particular example of Revelations was found, it was already theorized that Revelations didn't foretell the end of the world, but was instead a biting commentary on the political leaders of the time, masking their identities so the authors wouldn't face the wrath of the government.


The translation of this oldest example of Revelations reinforces this view.

I know a lot of people who believe in the bible will not believe this post, but they don't have to. After all, this latest find could have been mis-translated too. You never know.

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