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Otters Oddities

Illustration for article titled Otters Oddities

They call it that good old mountain dew, And them that refuse it are few. I'll hush up my mug if you'll fill up my jug, With that good old mountain dew!


I'm not talking about that bright green elixir of life you get from the store. No, I'm talking about real mountain dew.

You know, Hooch. Granny's Tonic. White Lightning.


And why am I talking about home made liquor? Um. Because it's the subject of today's oddity, maybe? But only maybe.


First, however, we need to discuss something. You see, I saw what you were doing on the surveillance cameras. Well, I won't embarrass you by saying what it was you were doing. You know what you did. And I saw it. (recorded it, too...) If you promise to not do it again, I'll let it slide this time. Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll have to take drastic steps.

All of you know I'm joking. I don't really have cameras on all of you. (only some of you...) I'm not that creepy. (yes I am).


Anyway, welcome to Tell The Truth Tuesday! Who want's to hear about yesterday?

I made the whole thing up*. Well....not the whole thing. Apicius is a real book, really published in the 4th or 5th century and named after the man who lived in the first century. But there was no recipe for a Twinkie-like cake in it. In fact, the latin for banana cake I got by translating cake, and then banana.


Placenta does, in fact, translate to 'flat cake'. But what the romans called flat cake, we would call flat bread. It was typically eaten with something savory, not sweet. So, imagine a flat bread with prosciutto and olive oil on it, and then imagine a placenta, and you can see how the word was used for both.

While a cream filled short cake was probably cooked by home bakers and small bakeries, the baker at Continental Baking, (later Hostess), was the first to mass produce them.


So I lied. Sue me. (don't. I'm poorish)

Anyway, today I'm going to talk about booze, the government, and how they want to poison all of us.


It's a well known fact** that the government is trying to kill everyone in America by spraying poisons on us and calling the evidence 'Airplane Contrails'.

No really. It's a well known fact!*** It doesn't need to be logical to be true, does it? NO!


And I have proof! Well, proof that it's not the first time the government has tried to poison us.

Who here remembers prohibition? Anyone? Anyone? Buller? Buller?

For those who slept through history class or have smoked so much meow-meow they can't remember anything, Prohibition was the era when a minority of people bullied the government into making alcohol illegal.


As a result, the FBI decided it was their job to stop people from getting booze. So they came up with the bright idea of tampering with peoples booze.

One of the way's they did this was to add impurities to the alcohol. These impurities included such innocuous substances like: Methane, Formaldehyde, Ammonia, Kerosene, and even Arsenic.


Well, as they soon found out, putting poisonous compounds into alcohol tended to kill people. So they changed tactics.

They started to denature alcohol.

The way you denature drinkable alcohol, (ethanol), is by adding rubbing alcohol to make it unpalatable.


Rubbing alcohol was widely used at the time to clean wounds and prevent infection. No one in their right mind drank it, either.

What they didn't take into consideration was, rubbing alcohol is made by mixing water and propene. (not to be confused with propane, which you use in your grill). Propene is made by distilling natural gas and oil. (just like propane, but the chemical bond is different). Along with the rubbing alcohol, they added acetone. (you know....paint thinner?)


What's too bad is, people wanted booze. So they drank the denatured stuff anyway. They just added other mixers to it to make it tasty.

it was soon discovered that the propene positively destroyed the kidneys, livers and intestines of anyone who drank more than a little of it. As a result, the number of people who died due to 'alcohol intoxication' skyrocketed. The temperance movement was overjoyed and used it as justification for banning booze.


The FBI said..."whoopsie-daisy!" and stopped denaturing alcohol after a coupe of years. And after 13 years of being dry, America finally woke up and told the temperance movement to go away.

So, without having the need for a tinfoil hat, yes, the government actually did poison people in the past. But it doesn't mean they are doing it now.


* Except the part about Fried Finch Brains. They also enjoyed Swallow Tongues. (romans were whack!)

** It is! Look it up!

*** However, I'm using the alternate definition of the word 'fact' here to mean 'something believed only by people who should stay home and never bother the public again. Ever.'

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