In Soviet Russia, milkshake that brings boys to yard is actual milkshake.

As evidenced by this photo, one segment of the cold war the Soviets lost, clearly, was big hair. I guess there just weren't enough hours in the day to stand in line for both toilet paper and hair spray.

Many people don't realize how close the west came to losing the cold war. The Soviets won the interview and talent sections, but luckily for us, the west won the swimsuit competition.

I shouldn't tease that lovely lady, though. Despite the fact she was on the wrong side of the cold war, (not her fault. It's where she was born), she actually accomplished a major feat. One that many men, both Warsaw Pact and Nato, failed to accomplish; She was the pilot of the Vostok 6.


Her name is Valentina Tereshkova, and she was the first woman in space. Not only was she the first woman in space, she was also the first civilian in space. She wasn't a member of the Soviet military when she was selected to be a cosmonaut. But she was a very staunch communist and was extremely loyal to the state. Plus, her father was a decorated hero from WWII who dies during the winter war with Finland.

So, she was selected from over 400 candidates to be the first woman in space. And on June 16, 1963, she took off in her ship, the Vostok 6.


When she came back to solid ground on June 19, she was lauded as a hero. In fact, when Khrushchev asked her how she should be honored by the Soviet Union, she asked that the location where her father was killed in action be found so she could visit it, as her father died when she was 2. Not only did Khrushchev do that, he had a state monument built at the location to honer her father. (himself a hero of the Soviet Union for his actions)

Tereshkova lived a life of luxury after returning from space. She held many high ranking military positions and political posts because of her achievements. After the fall of the Soviet Union she lost a lot of her political clout, but none of her reputation. She is still regarded as a hero by the Russian people, and in fact, she was elected to the Duma in 2011.


Hey, I just realized something. It's Monday! And that means, Made Up Mondays! Yay! The time has come for you to put on your guessing caps and tell me if what follows is made up or true.

Back in the early 60's, both the Soviets and the Americans were conducting all sorts of top secret experiments in space. Tereshkova took part in one such experiment. It wasn't until the fall of the Soviet Union that the full details of her mission in 1963 were revealed.


As far back as the late 50's, the Soviets were looking to the future. They knew that if humans were to ever explore space, certain things were going to happen. And one of those things was going to be the fact that men and women were going to be together for long periods in cramped quarters.

They also knew that, when you mixed genders in close quarters, certain things were going to happen. They saw it happen amongst combat troops in WWII, and they had every reason to believe it would happen amongst the cosmonauts.


But, there was no gravity in space. And they weren't sure how it would work. So they decided to take a very Russian approach to the problem. The selected a male cosmonaut, Valery Bykovsky, and found a female to be a cosmonaut, Tereshkova, and sent them up together in the Vostok 6. Their orders were to 'brown chicken brown cow' in the tight confines of the capsule.

Even though they were in cramped quarters, they encountered many difficulties. First and foremost, they had to be careful when they bumped uglies. If their uglies bumped some buttons or switches at the wrong time, it would get ugly fast.


They also had the problem of Newtons Second Law; For every action there's and equal and opposite reaction. When thrusting forward, the male also creates a force equal to his thrust that pushes against the female, pushing her away. In gravity, that force can be countered. In space, not so much. The very act of thrusting in pushed the target away with equal force. And attempting to brace the female against an object to keep her steady resulted in the force of the thrust being redirected against the male, pushing him away as hard as he was pushing in.

Then there was the problem of zero gravity itself. The way human physiology works is fairly dependent on gravity. When a man becomes aroused, blood flows into the penis and causes the erection. As Bykovsky found out, with no gravity, the blood flowed into the penis, and then flowed right back out. Getting an erection was easy. Keeping an erection was hard. (snnrkt....tee-hee)


But, Bykovsky and Tereshkova had three days. And when the state orders you to do something, you do it. So they kept on trying. And trying. And trying. They finally thought they had succeeded when they were able to horizontally bop for long enough to bring Bykovsky to completion. Unfortunately for our adventurous couple, at the moment of completion, Newtons Second Law asserted itself again and they separated at the moment Bykovsky made Mr. Happy happy.

According to the after-action report, (tee-hee), the mess was not fun to clean up. With the lack of gravity, the end result of the coitus ended up floating all over the place. Also, that's not the result mission control wanted. Part of the reason for the experiment was to see what happened when procreation happened in space. Would the semen flow far enough up for the sperm to be able to reach the egg, or would it all just.....dribble out, so to speak.


So, after Bykovsky took a nap, they had to continue trying. But as everyone knows, practice makes perfect. Bykovsky and Tereshkova worked out a method of maintaining contact, and they discovered a way to make the blood more likely to stay where it was most needed. And eventually, they achieved the goal set out for them.

The final result of the experiment baby for Tereshkova. But not because biology wouldn't work in space. Her medical exam upon returning to Earth showed Bykovskys little guys swam the distance, but as it often times happens, no pregnancy resulted.


So friends, Romans, Whitenoisers, did I just write a bizarre piece of space porn, or did the kinky Russians actually experiment with sex in space back in 1963?