(Nothing) Like a Virgin.....

MmHmmm.. I said It. Madonna is, and was, a promiscuous person. Or, at least that's the vibe she gave off back in the 80's and 90's when it seemed like she was hooking up with someone different every 5 minutes.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Except, it was Madonna. She never, how shall we say, gave me that oogy feeling in the bad-touch zones.

Plenty of guys, (and some girls), I went to high school with thought she was just the bees knees. Me, not so much. (Susanna Hoffs....now that was someone to stare at endlessly while hiding in the bushes of her front yard....)

But you didn't come here to hear about my teenage crushes. Or did you? I mean, if you did, I can tell you all about them. I doubt you'd know any of them though. They all live in a different town....

Advertisement

No, you're here to read all about todays odd subject. And going by my choice of intro rant, you're probably thinking it involves some sexy time. No. It doesn't. Ok, it does. but not in the way you think it does.

See, todays subject is all about Madonna. Not the singer, and not the mother of Jesus. So, I guess it's not really about Madonna. It could be, but we'll never know. Because her name was with held because she was a minor.

It all started one night in 1988. It involved a 15 year old girl and her new boyfriend. And it involved her getting pregnant without knowing. Sounds like a story that's been lived out in many towns by lots of young girls, for many years. What makes this so odd?

Advertisement

Let me start at the beginning. Like I said, those involved were minors, so there names are with held to protect....something.

A 15 year old girl, Let's call her 'Mary", was spending an evening in the company of her new boyfriend, let's call him 'Joseph'. Everything was going along fine. It was your typical teen age date night. Until Mary's ex boyfriend, let's call him 'Shit Head', decided to crash the party.

Shit Head was very upset that Mary had dumped him for Joseph. So he burst in on them and demonstrated how upset he was by stabbing Mary in the belly. Bad form, Shit Head, bad form. But, spurned teenage love, huh?

Advertisement

Anyway, Shit Head was overpowered by Joseph and went to jail while Mary went to the hospital. There she was treated for her stab wounds. They were severe, requiring several surgeries.

Finally, Mary went home. A while later, Mary started feeling pain in her belly. A sharp, intense pain. Sharp enough that she went to the hospital. After she was admitted to the ER, doctors began running tests. It didn't take them too long to figure out the cause of Mary's pain. A beautiful baby was delivered by C-Section.

"But", exclaimed Mary's parents, "How can this be? Mary is a virgin!"

I know what you're thinking, 'Suuuure she is. She was 15.....We know what 15 year olds do, even if the parents are in denial.' Well, don't be such a know it all. (that's my job)

Advertisement

See, Mary really was a virgin.

When she was born, doctors discovered Mary suffered from Mullerian Agenesis. Otherwise known as Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a condition where a girl is born with a vulva, but no vaginal opening.

So, Mary was, in fact, a virgin.

But, you may ask, how the hell did she get pregnant?

It seems that, on her previous visit to the hospital, some 280 days earlier, when she was treated for her stab wounds, she had with held a small detail of the nights events. It seemed minor at the time, but it turned out to be very relevant.

Advertisement

Just prior to Shit Head jumping in and attacking, Mary had just finished giving Joseph a hummer. One that she completed by....um....internally disposing of his deposit. (for those of you who haven't had coffee yet, she swallowed)

When the knife entered her abdomen, it pierced her stomach. And since she hadn't had anything to eat that night, there was only minimal amounts of acid in her stomach. When Shit Head stabbed her, the semen was still fresh enough to seep out the stomach lining and into the open wound. And from there, the sperm did what sperm do best: they started swimming.

As luck would have it, one of them found an egg and fertilized it. And 280 days, (9 months), later, she delivered a healthy, bouncing, baby boy. (let's call him Farnsworth)

Advertisement

So, Mary and Joseph were delivered of a son named Farnsworth, and no sexual intercourse was involved. An actual, medically documented, virgin birth in humans.

And on that note, I'm going to go and enjoy my Memorial Day weekend. 3 day weekend baby! Boo-Yah!