So then she sits on my face and says, "Lie to me baby!"
Yes. I went there.
A dirty joke to go with a Disney picture.
But I figured, what the heck. It's casual Friday. And it's not like the picture is NSFW or anything. And, really, who hasn't heard that joke before? I think I first heard it in elementary school. I didn't get it, but I laughed anyway so I could be one of the cool kids. I doubt more than 10% of the kids who heard it had any clue about what it meant.
Now that I think about it though, all the kids who did get it were the ones whose parents had VCR's and the stack of tapes they kept hidden so the kids wouldn't find them. I wonder why that was.......
Moving right along to todays post, though. It's at this point when I tell you that the picture up there has nothing to do with todays post, except it does.
Well, not today. That picture is totally what todays post is about. And the dirty joke? Well, as you'll come to understand, it's not too far off the mark as to what would have actually been said by the little termite cafeteria.
Today I want to destroy what for some is a cherished childhood memory. I'm going to tell you the truth about that little rat-bastard known as Pinocchio.
In 1940 Disney made a movie about Pinocchio. And it was a sappy, syrupy sweet telling of a poor puppet who only wanted to become a little boy. And it had absolutely nothing to do with the original story.
Pinocchio was first published as a 15 part serial in an Italian newspaper for children by Carlo Collodi. And it was about as far from the story you know as it could be.
Remember Jiminy Cricket? In the Disney version, he served as Pinocchios inner voice of reason. If it weren't for Jiminy, Pinocchio wouldn't ever have been transformed into a real boy by the Blue Fairy.
But in Collodi's original version, Jiminy didn't have a name. He was just called the Talking Cricket. And when the cricket scolded Pinocchio for not listening to Geppetto, he picked up a hammer and bashed the crickets brains out. Squished him like a bug!
But that's not all. See, in the original version, Pinocchio was a dick. And he paid the price for being a dick. Collodi wrote the story to teach young boys what would happen to them if they behaved badly.
In the original, Pinocchio was so bad he got Geppetto thrown in jail. He was almost burned up by a rival puppet master, robbed, kidnapped, stabbed, starved, whipped, jailed, punched in the head and had his legs burned off.
And we can't forget when he was turned into a donkey and forced to wear girls clothes and jump through hoops on stage.
Some could make the argument that he fell into the wrong crowd. He hooked up with the Fox and the Cat, two ruthless criminals who did what it took to survive on the mean streets. But, that argument doesn't hold up under scrutiny.
In the last part of the serial, the Fox and the Cat are fed up with Pinocchio and his wicked ways. So they bind his arms, put a noose around his neck and head for an oak tree. Here, read it in Collodi's own words:
"...a tempestuous northerly wind began to blow and roar angrily, and it beat the poor puppet from side to side, making him swing violently, like the clatter of a bell ringing at a wedding. And the swinging gave him atrocious spasms.
His breath failed him and he could say no more. He shut his eyes, opened his mouth, stretched his legs, gave a long shudder, and hung stiff and insensible."
Yup. The freaking hung Pinocchio from an oak tree until he died! And that was it. There was no more to the story.
Until the publishers of the newspaper started hearing from customers. They didn't like the ending. In fact, they were horrified! So they made Collodi go back and add more to the story. The finished product was finally published as a book in 1883. It included the entire original plus some new material. In fact, the new material makes up the last 2/3 of the book.
In the new part, Pinocchio is saved in the nick of time by a small, blue haired child. This child was changed into the Blue Fairy by Disney. And Collodi changed the genre of the book from it's original tragedy to more of a dark comedy. Pinocchio lives, but he doesn't really improve.
Pinocchio becomes a sort of hero to child loafers and rebels. But no matter what he does, in the end, he meets with violence. Which is strange, because in the new part f the book, Pinocchio moves from Italy to "The Land Of Boobies", where it's summer vacation from January 1st, to December 31st. And there are no adults.
In the end, Pinocchio becomes a lesson to young kids to be good, obey adults, be productive and stay out of trouble. Otherwise, they'll end up like Pinocchio.
Disney has a habit of taking macabre stories like Pinocchio and making them into kid friendly movies. For example, in the original Hunchback of Notre Dame, Esmerelda is framed for murder and hung. Quasimodo throws the actual murderer off the cathedral and then goes and curls up next to Esmereldas body in her grave until he dies from starvation. If that's not a happy Disney ending, I don't know what is!
For those of you who haven't done so, it's really worth the time and effort to search out and read the classic tales in their original forms. You'll find that more often than not, the story you know is nothing like the story was originally written.
Why, yes. Yes I do enjoy spoiling fond childhood memories. It makes me feel all woogy inside.