Doctor, doctor, give me the news! I got a bad case of, GET THE HELL AWAY FOM ME!

What would we do without medical care? According to some, we'd be healthier. According to me, we'd be wealthier. (premiums are high, right? and that co-pay? don't get me started...)

But, without medicine, and doctors, people wouldn't live as long as they do. Like it or not, modern medicine helps us a lot. but, let's face it. Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness. Although, sometimes the cure ricks and it makes you want to get sick, just to be cured. But, I'll get to that later.

Way back when, in the long long ago, doctors used some pretty primitive methods for curing the sick. With todays modern advances, they don't have to use them anymore, right? Right?

Please. What kind of oddities post would this be if I described non-disgusting, primitive methods modern medicine uses. Today I'm going to discuss some god-awful methods that modern doctors use today, that seem like they came out of medieval times.

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1. Tiger Phallus Soup. Herbal remedies have long been a part of medicine. In fact, a lot of medicine is either an herbal remedy, or has it's origins in some kind of herbal remedy. And that goes for the ages old male complaint of "I can't get it up!".

Today, we have the 'little blue pill', or some other prescription drug that will induce a boner. Why, these pills allow dirty old men to continue being dirty long past the time when they should have stopped whipping out their junk. But these pills, while themselves are relatively new inventions, only make the process more convenient.

The Chinese came up with a method for inducing erections a long time ago. They make a soup out of a tigers penis. The theory is, if you want your penis to work, what better way than ingesting the penis of one of the fiercest creatures known? I'm betting, though, that the act of going out and cutting the dick off a tiger was enough to induce a boner in the most limped dicked men out there. (the ones that survived, at least).

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Today, the ingesting of tiger penis is strictly verboten. That's because tigers are endangered. And killing them for their wieners is just wrong. But, it took the Chinese government until 1987 to ban the practice. Although, poaching does still occur. A tigers penis will fetch you a hefty sum on the black market. Some older folks don't hang with the new fangled pills, and they prefer their penis in it's raw, original form.

2. Bloodletting. This was a popular cure long ago. The Greeks used it a lot as they thought a person became ill because of an imbalance in the four humors, blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm. They would bleed patients to restore the balance between the humors, thereby curing the ill.

We, of course, know this is bunk. Draining copious amounts of blood out of a person in never going to cure them, right? Right?

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Well.....not so much. Today, we call bloodletting, phlebotomy. Generally, when that term is used, it refers to a technician drawing just a sample of your blood.

However, in the case of hemochromatosis, (too much iron in the blood), a phlebotomist is called in to remove copious amounts of blood. The iron is removed and the blood is put back. Not unlike another modern version of bloodletting, dialysis.

We may call it different things, but it's still the same thing. Well, there is one small difference. We figured out how to put the blood back.

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3. Maggot Debridement. Maggots. Andrew Zimmerns favorite snack. Also, the larvae of the common fly. Also, disgusting.

It was discovered long ago, on some ancient battlefield, that soldiers who were wounded, tended to die. A lot. What we would consider a minor wound today, that would require a half dozen stitches, was a death sentence for ancient man. The reason? Infections.

The concept of sanitation didn't occur until well into the 19th century. But, that's because doctors had no idea there were these tiny little critters called bacteria, who loved to sit and fester and multiply and kill.

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One day, though, a doctor noticed that men whose wounds were infested with maggots seemed to live. So, he experimented by putting maggots into wounds. He didn't know exactly why, but it worked. The survival rate, while still abysmally low, did go up.

Today, we know it's because a maggot will eat only the dead, necrotic flesh, while leaving the healthy flesh alone. Doctors used maggots until World War II, when penicillin became common.

Today, because we douse our beef and chicken with antibiotics, and we all use antibacterial everything, and because we are so afraid of kids coming in contact with icky things, drug resistant bacteria is on the rise. hospitals are losing the war with infections because we over use antibacterial goop on everything, even when we don't need to. All because some company wants to make a buck.

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And modern drug manufacturers don't spend the years or millions of dollars on developing new ones. Why? Well, would you rather spend all that time and money on a drug someone will take for a week, or on one that somebody will take for the rest of their life? (I'm looking at anti-depressants here).

As a result, more and more hospitals are resorting to using maggots to treat infection. So far, bacteria haven't figured out a way to build up a resistance to being eaten

4. Fecal Bacteriotherapy. Ok. This one isn't really that old. But, it's still down right nasty.

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Some people suffer from stomach ailments that no medicine can treat. These ailments cause pain and discomfort. They may hinder proper digestion, or proper nutrient intake. Either way, they are bad news.

Did I mention doctors don't have any medicine to treat them?

So, one doctor got the bright idea of, 'let's see what happens if I take this glob of shit and shove it up this sick persons ass!'. Seriously. Some doctor actually thought of that.

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So he did.

And, as it turned out, the conditions in the patient improved. It turns out, the problems were caused by a lack of certain bacterias in the digestive system, and by transplanting the poop, the ill person was infused with the healthy bacteria they needed.

These days, they don't shove a glob of shit up your ass. No, it's more dignified.

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They fill a gel capsule with shit, and you swallow it. Really. That's how it's done. You eat someone else's poop. The doctors went to the poop donation center and got some pop, and made it into pills. Also, someone had to go to the poop center and donate a dump. is it like sperm donations? Do you get paid? Do you get special magazines to read to aid you?

In the above cases, I think I'd rather stay sick. None of them sound too pleasant. And, they are all used today, so, you may find yourself using one.

Earlier I had promised a cure that you might actually like. I know I like it. The sickness it cures isn't really a sickness though. Sufferers do feel sick, and they generally wish they were dead, and it's their own damn fault they feel that way.

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I'm talking about, the dreaded hangover. For years and years, centuries, really, people have been suffering from hangovers. But, doctors, using science, have found a cure.

A bacon sandwich.

Chemicals in the bacon and the grease work to speed up the metabolization of the alcohol. And, that works to rid you of your hangover. It doesn't work instantaneously, but it's a damn sight quicker than just letting the hangover run it's course. (Bacon really does make everything better!)

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I personally can't attest to the cure, as I don't seem to be afflicted with hangovers, regardless of how much I drink. Maybe it's because I keep hydrated with water while drinking copious amounts of alky-hall. (also, I have a bladder the size of a peanut, so maybe I just pee out all the booze as I drink it, before it gets absorbed.)

I hope todays post has filled you with a determination to not get sick. Or, to at least not sick with one of the diseases that require any of the cures I mentioned. Although, boner time is encouraged. Just don't kill a tiger for his penis. I'm sure he'd thank you for that.