Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.
Last one out of the Kinjaverse, turn out the lights.

Otters Oddities

Illustration for article titled Otters Oddities

Rock me Amadeus!

Hello. My name is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. You probably know me from all the sonatas I composed. I did a few waltzes, too. And an opera or two. And all before I was 10. What did you do? " beat Super Mario but used all the warp tubes? Aren't you precocious?"


Mozart laughs at your weak and feeble accomplishments. He was composing music before some of you were toilet trained. I mean, the man was a musical genius!

He was also one sick puppy.

And, I don't mean sick as in 'under the weather'. No, he was a sick and twisted individual.


And I'm also not talking about his mental health issues. (although, they may have played a part.) He was, to put it bluntly, a sexual deviant. And not a good deviant, either.

He had a weird attraction to, well, I guess there's no other way to say this other than coming right out and saying it, so I will.


Mozart had a thing for poop.

We all know about scatological porn. (Cartmans mom, "essen mein scheisse"). And I'm not actually going to come right out and claim he enjoyed including poop in his sex. But he sure did have a driving need to talk about it.


A lot.

All the time.

He once wrote in a letter to his mother:

"I now wish you goodnight, shit in your bed with all your might, sleep with peace on your mind and try to kiss your own behind.

Oh my ass burns like fire! What on earth is the meaning of this! Maybe muck wants to come out? yes, yes, muck..."


This was to his mother. And, was she offended? Aw hells naw! She would include similar passages in the letters she wrote to him. It seems like it was a banter they shared between themselves. One of those mother-son bonding things, I guess.

But, it wasn't just in letters to his mom where he talked about poop, and the orifice it came out of.


In 1782, he wrote a canon in B-flat major, meant to be sung by 6 voices in a three part round, titled, "Leck Mich Im Arsch". For those of you who are a little slow this morning, allow me to translate: "Lick Me in the Arse". It had stimulating lyrics, too. It went a little bit like this:

"Lick me in the arse, quickly quickly! Lick me in the arse, quickly. Lick me, lick me. Quickly."


A real rip-snorting hit. I can actually see Miley Cyrus covering it.

He must have thought it would be a great hit. because he followed it up with a sequel. This one was titled, 'Lick My Ass Nice And Clean.'

"Lick my ass nicely, lick it nice and clean, nice and clean, lick my ass.

That's a greasy desire, nicely buttered, like the licking of roast meat, my daily activity.

Three will lick more than two, come on, just try it, and lick, lick, lick.

Everybody lick his own ass himself."

Oh, and before I forget, I should mention that, when he was 20, he wrote a letter to the girl he was infatuated with, his cousin. To show his affection, he wrote in a love letter that he'd like to:

"shit on her nose and watch it drip down her chin."

In a love letter. To a girl he loved. And he wanted to sex up. And have naked fun time with.


Yeah. Mozart was an ass-licking, poop fetishist.

See what happens when you push your kids to excel?

*Authors Note*

You know, I research this crap, and sometimes, when I get done typing it, even I think I made it up. But, as I've said before, you can't make this shit up. Actual people have translated Mozart's actual works and letters. And these people were actual scholars, not your 9 year old nephew who giggles every time he hears the word 'boob'.

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