If fireworks are illegal where you are, don't look. I don't want you getting in trouble.
I promised todays Oddities would be an extra special post. And it is. And I'm going to tell you why.
But not yet.
Let's get the oddity out of the way.
They say necessity is the mother of invention. In fact, it's not. At least, not always. Sometimes a warped imagination is the mother of invention. And sometimes it's laziness. And sometimes, it's a desire to get as much money from stupid people as you can.
Before I get to the real meat of the post, I just want you all to know, I had this subject planned for over a week. Over on the Giz yesterday, Ashley made a post about infomercial gifs that comes close to my subject. But I can assure you, I've been planning this post for a while now. And since it's such a special post, I wanted to make it good. So I wracked my brains for a subject, and last week, decided on this one.
And that subject is: The oddest stuff ever invented.
Some of the items are infomercial fodder, but others aren't. So, sit back, chug lots of (insert favorite beverage here), and join me as we take a trip on the slightly stupid side.
First up, we have Doggles. Eyewear for dogs. This actually is beneficial for dogs, as it protects their eyes on sunny days. But, as an animal, has less of a need for the protection than humans. But, someone made them, and people buy them.
Next up, we have the Plastic Wishbone. This was invented by someone who rarely got to try his luck with the wishbone as a kid. If you're in a family of 2, it's perfect. Any more than that, and you have to fight for the wishbone. Well, now you don't. You can snap wishbones all day, by yourself, if you want.
If you're like me, you're incredibly lazy. So you'll want to be sure you get one or a dozen Motorized Ice Cream Cones. No longer will you have to exert yourself by turning the cone to catch the melty drips. In fact, all you need to do is stick out your tongue, and the cone will do the licking for you.
Throw away your Tamagatchi. Now you can carry a real pet. It's a Portable Fish Tank. Who wouldn't want one of these? And what fish wouldn't want to travel?
Remember when I said I was lazy? If I had hard wood floors, I'd get married and have kids just so I could get the Baby Mop. And, don't go spouting off about how 'it's not ethical',' it's cruel', or 'weirdo'. Baby crawls anyway. Baby wears a onesie anyway. Floor needs to be mopped anyway. It's practical time management.
Wow...I'm ready for a snack, I think. Maybe I'll have some Baby Cake. I hear this is Pedobears favorite cake mold. And, since it's silicone, you can use it as a chocolate mold. So, put about a 1/2 inch coating all around the mold. Then fill it almost all the way raspberry jam. Then fill the rest of the way with chocolate. Imagine the screams of joy when you slice into it...
And who out there can continue their existence without owning a Big Mouth Billy Bass? Owning one of these and displaying ot proudly marks you as one of the cultured few who are in the know about such things.
This next one goes hand in hand with the earlier Baby Mop. See, I dislike crying children. So Babys First Ball Gag is just the ticket. Unlike the others I have posted, this one isn't actually for sale yet. But it does have a patent. So we can expect it on the market soon.
Do you bring your lunch to work? Does it include an apple? Do you hate getting your apple bruised? Then you need an Apple Sweater. It'll keep you apple safe and sound until it encounters your teeth. But, make sure you take the sweater off before consuming the apple, otherwise you may get a bit more fiber in your diet than intended.
This is an invention made for me, Mr. Lazy. The Roller Buggy. No more does baby ride alone. Now you too can work less for your babys ride. I can't find this for sale anywhere, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.
The one thing I hate about pizza is, first you have to cut it. Then you have to pick it up and put it on your plate. Such a time waster. It's Pizza Scissors to the rescue! No more will you have the extra step of picking up the slice after you cut it.
Does your dog need to be muzzled while out for a walk? Well, why not make it cute at the same time. The Duck Billed Muzzle will accomplish that. Now you don't have to feel like a jerk for muzzling you pooch, and all the pretty girls will find it adorable.
Ladies, do you suffer from dark colored nipples? Don't worry. Uncle Otter has the fix for you. Pinky Queen Top Pack is what you need. (That link is safe for work)(If you want the NSFW link, click here.) No more do you have to suffer with, um....non-pink nipples? I guess that's a problem?
Now that we've cured your nipple color problem, you probably have noticed that having them exposed has made them cold. Again, Uncle Otter has the answer for you. A USB Breast Warmer. You can use it if you want, but personally, I prefer the manual warming method.
Well, that's 14 odd things for you all, most of which you can actually buy. So I think that's enough for one post. I found more, but maybe I'll do a follow up someday.
So, I suppose you all have been patiently waiting to find out what was so special about this post. I guess I made you wait long enough, so I'll just spit it out.
Todays post marks the 100th Oddities post on Whitenoise. After I posted the first one, I challenged myself to make an oddities post everyday for 100 days. And today, I done it! It hasn't always been easy coming up with a subject, or finding the time to write, but, I did it.
And now, I'm going to keep going. Some posts will be better than others, just as they have been in the past. But, I enjoy writing them, and I hope you all enjoy reading them. And if you learn something from one of my posts, then I did my job. Because I have made it my lifes mission to spread the oddness as far and wide as I can.
Because normality is fine most of the time, but every now and then, you just have to get odd.
I will always welcome suggestions. If you come across something odd, strange, quirky or just slightly different, let me know about it and it may become a post.
So, thanks for reading these last 100 posts, and I hope you stick around for the next 100!
See you all tomorrow.