I carefully considered the title of this article, but couldn’t come up with anything more succinct or unambiguous as the one I chose. Kinect, quite simply, sucks.
The most recent statement from Microsoft outlines exactly how hard it sucks. Kinect is like a stuck up princess that won’t let you so much as hold her hand without first being admired, flattered, fed, bought presents and worshipped as a goddess as she rubs caviar and buttered lobster in your hair while you polish her boots.
Here are the ten things Kinect NEEDS YOU TO DO before it will consider working:
- Buy a bigger house
- Microsoft is a big American company for people with big American houses and big American hands. Just like the original Xbox controllers that were too large for half the world to use, Microsoft seems oblivious to the space available to Europeans and Asians in their homes. The solution? Buy a bigger house dummy! It’ll be worth it when all those triple-A Kinect titles hit the market.
- Buy new lights
- Kinect wants to see you clearly, so you better make sure it can. Some types of strip lighting won’t work and although it uses infra-red to detect your movement, the facial recognition needs light.
- Don’t slouch
- You may remember all the fuss about Kinect use while seated. Basically, they never thought about gamers who play on the sofa. It seems that Microsoft has fixed this problem now, but come on. Who wants to sit while playing games when they could be standing up in a cavernous, well lit aircraft hangar?
- Move your speakers/buy a new telly
- The layout of your television speakers affects whether you play Kinect on top of or below your TV. If you get interference, just buy a new TV or speaker system. You might as well splash the cash. After all, you’ve already invested in a big house and new lights and as such, presumably no longer have a girlfriend or wife to anger with your extravagant purchases.
- Move everyone out of the way
- You've already seen the videos online of people hurting each other while playing, so move your friends out the way. I mean completely out of the way. Idealy they shouldn’t be on the camera but to be safe, just don’t tell your friends where your new house is. You don’t need them any more anyway, you have Kinect!
- Get saving
- You don’t get Kinect for free you know, bringing you the f*ture today costs money. Its gonna cost $150 or £130 (Kinect cares not for fair exchange rates). Then you have to buy the games. Don’t worry, they cater to the hardcore gamers as much as the casuals. Check out those pics!
- Change your wardrobe
- You’ll have to wear clothes that Kinect can pick out from the background. Once again, Kinect gives you fun but makes you a better person too. Its Queer Eye insists you dress brightly, no more black t-shirts and dark gaming rooms for you tubby, time to fashionize!
*Note, apparently this is no longer an issue, so you don't need to buy new clothes. Just as well, you won't have any money left after all those great launch titles!*
- Uh-oh, are you even Kinect ready?
- The newest Xbox’s describe themselves as Kinect ready. What does this mean? Simply that they don’t require an additional power supply for Kinect. What if you’re not Kinect ready? Well its back to the power block of doom for you!
- Tidy your room
- Kinect despises mess! Clean up your floor or Kinect will be unable to find the ground level and the game won’t work. Kinect: the Mary Poppins of consoles. Only less British, and more demanding.
- In case you think I’m biased….
- There is no doubt that standing up in a barn with a stadium lighting system, wearing a neon tracksuit and playing your Kinect on your new TV and speakers without your friends is awesome. What could be more awesome though? Perhaps waving glowing neon sex toys to play a game almost indistinguishable from Wii sports.
"Put that back in mommies dresser where you found it or we'll send you back to the orphanage!"
One final tip: Microsoft has said that you want to put as much distance between you and the Kinect sensor as possible. I suggest serious gamers do just that.
- China Name Plate Co. Ltd.