I admit it. I should have known better. I’ve been through this before and I KNOW Sears sucks. I just knew they wouldn’t be able to get this nonsense right. Because...you know....SEARS.

Let me rewind, and before I go any further let me give you a warning. This is a rant. This is an anger filled, pissed off, I want to destroy the company rant. It’s going to feature a lot of nasty language. It’s going to feature language that would make MY mother blush, and that is saying something. That is how far this has come. In case you missed it, there are going to be f bombs, c bombs, and creative use of other nasty words below: if you are offended by such words STOP READING NOW AND CLICK THE BACK BUTTON. Ok, you have been warned.

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Let me tell you all a story. This story involves a relatively young fella in his 30s who just bought a house with his wife. Moving from an apartment, there is lots of stuff that they need to buy: furniture, appliances, lawnmower etc etc and so on. All the crap that you need to make a household run. Now, from the new place, there’s a Home Depot about five minutes away but, with buying so much stuff in one shot, price matters...and Sears was having a fantastic sale, plus a year to pay stuff off with no interest and so on. So off to Sears we go.

This is the local Sears. Note the empty parking lot. That is what this Sears generally looks like. I should have taken that as a warning. I should have listened to the warning bells. But no...good prices won me over. Into Sears we go where we encounter a wonderland of all the shit we need to buy. We quickly buy a lawnmower, weed whacker, washer, and dryer. We pick out a patio set and a grill. We walk out with our lawnmower/weed whacker waiting for us at the pickup door, with the rest of the stuff to be delivered later (Washer and dryer a week later, the rest two weeks later). So far so good. Prices were good, we got the no interest for a year deal, and they even knocked some money off based on the amount of crap we were buying all in one shot. So far I’m feeling pretty good. I should mention that, as it turned out, the weed whacker had been previously opened and was missing it’s battery...so we did have to go back and exchange it, but that went swimmingly and we were in and out in under 5 minutes with a new weed whacker.

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A week later, the washer/dryer delivery shows up at the time they stated (the beginning of the delivery window no less) and they’re in and out in fifteen minutes. Stuff is hooked up and working. I’ve already mowed the lawn so I know THAT part works too. Overall, I’m pretty happy with the way things have gone so far.

Let me be clear. From here on out this becomes a story of dim-witted duck-raping-frog-fuckery the likes of which you’ve probably never heard. Every single person I’ve dealt with SINCE those guys is a goddamn moronic cuntwhistle, and I hope they all eat shit and die. OK, I take that back, the delivery guys have been nice enough, and sincerely flabbergasted when they hear what follows. Honestly, it’s not THEIR fault, THEY are just following instructions. We’ve given them water and let them wait in the air conditioned house while we yell at the fuckwitted assclowns behind the scenes.

Delivery Attempt #1

So remember how I said above that we were given a delivery date and time at the time of purchase? Two actually, one for the washer/dryer, the other for a grill and patio set that were to be assembled? OK, so first delivery day comes...and they’re a no show. Not a fucking peep. We call in, they investigate, turns out the grill and patio set were left sitting in the store waiting for pickup because it was labeled both pickup AND delivery. I guess it’s an understandable mistake since we DID pick up some stuff at the time...so I write it off to a misunderstanding that could have happened to anyone. Let me be clear: in retrospect this was NOT a misunderstanding that could have happened to anyone. This was fucking assholery of only the highest level, and it was just getting started.

Anyway, we suss all that out and get scheduled for another delivery date. Another week out. Not thrilled, but okay...call family, tell them we’re not grilling that weekend, and put it out of my mind. Oh, and I should also mention that they won’t give me a TIME, just a day. You don’t get the TIME until the night before at between 6-9 PM...when you get a call from an automated service...because, you know, people don’t work or anything. Remember this. Remember it well because this is a huge part of the tom-fuckery that follows.

Delivery Attempt #2

So we get a call the night before delivery attempt #2 and are given a 2 hour delivery window. Naturally it’s in the middle of the day because, you know, nobody needs to go to work or anything. My wife re-arranges her schedule so she can be home. Guys show up 15 minutes after the delivery window is over with the patio set and grill. They do not have instructions or time or tools to assemble the patio set (worth mention: we fucking PAID for the service) and lo and behold the grill is unassembled in its box. It’s not a small grill that requires just a couple of screws, it’s the kind of thing that is supposed to be loaded onto the truck already assembled. So they put the patio shit in my garage, leave the grill on the truck, and we call in. We talk to people...we talk to a manager and eventually to a manager’s manager. He knocks 10% off the price of our crap, and guarantees they will have everything straight a couple of days later (The following week), which is the next available delivery window. Being a trusting sort (and hey, 10% off is nothing to sneeze at) I opt to trust this person.

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Let me be clear: this person is a fucking piece of shit asshole. If douchebags have douchebags, it is this guy. If there’s a name for that rancid junk sweat that you get on a hot summer day after doing yardwork, that is what this guy is...and you will see why as we discuss....

Delivery Attempt #3

The very best thing I can say about delivery attempt #3 is that it was only a couple of days after delivery attempt #2. Delivery guys show up...and guess what? They weren’t told they had to assemble patio furniture and once again didn’t have the tools or time to do so. In addition, upon opening the truck....can you fucking believe it....the SAME MOTHERFUCKING GRILL is in the SAME MOTHERFUCKING BOX it had been in TWO MOTHERFUCKING DAYS AGO. Evidently they took it OFF the truck, and then put it right back ON the goddamn truck. We call again and speak to manager of manager AGAIN (different guy, of course, because they all have odd names and can’t understand me when I try to ask for the same person). This manager, he’s got the solution: he throws a 50 dollar Sears gift card in to sweeten the pot. Oh joy. Oh rapture. I practically pop a boner at the thought of the 50 dollars I will never use because it involves walking into this piece of shit excuse for a fucking retail establishment. But hey, he tells me, we can deliver again on Monday (this is on Thursday I think)...and we’ll DEFINITELY get it right then.

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I know they’re not going to get it right. My wife knows they’re not going to get it right. Hell, my TWELVE year old is making snide comments wondering how they’re going to screw it up THIS time.

They’ll call me later on with a time - I advise that I am going to a movie and to just leave the time on my voicemail. No problem, I am told. We go on in to see Jurassic World and have a fabulous time during which I do not, even once, think about motherfucking cocksucking Sears. Until my phone rings. I send it to voicemail figuring I’ll pick it up after the movie.

Movie ends, we’re all feeling good and in a moderate popcorn coma. Life is happy. Then I pick up my voicemail where a computerized voice tells me I need to call them back. I do so to get the time...and my call is disconnected despite two different tries. It is not my cell phone, I have full bars, and am in an area that is quite Verizon friendly. It is Sears. Fucking with me. Fucking with my head. Trying to drive me slowly insane. Because they are fuckers.

Thankfully, Sears has this neato online tool where you can look shit up - which we do when we get home, and we see delivery is scheduled for Monday between 9:30 and 11:30 AM. My wife again rearranges her schedule so that we can be there for...

Delivery Attempt #4

So wife is at home waiting. I’m at work. I know this is going to be a good one, I just KNOW it. I am UTTERLY convinced this will be a huge fuckup...I have put myself into a zen frame of mind of fuck-uppery in the ass backward hope that by EXPECTING a fuckup I will instead get a successful delivery.

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Just as the clock strikes 11:30, my phone rings. It is Sears. Our delivery has been “called back” and they would like to reschedule. Nobody can tell me why. Nobody can tell me why they waited until the END of my delivery window to call. Nobody can tell me where the fuck my grill is, what the fuck I should do with the patio furniture, or who the fuck I can choke out over this disaster. I get transferred to a manager...who offers me ANOTHER 50 dollar gift card...HOLY FABULOUS! I gently let this person know that I’ve already BEEN given that, and that this is the forth fuck up. I am not even being nice at this point...and having worked at a call center I fucking HATE people who were behaving like me. I was yelling. I was screaming. I was cursing. I had to walk out of my office and stand outside because people were looking at me like I was insane. Apparently they’ve never heard someone scream “MOTHERFUCKING DOORHUMPING DOUCHENUGGET PUSSY SLUDGE” into a phone before (go figure). Manager reminds me that I am speaking to, and I quote, “A MANAGER” now...so he will DEFINITELY get things done for me. He needs a little time but he is pretty sure he will be able to get me delivery that very same day. I tell him that I have all the confidence in the world that he will fuck it up, but to go ahead and try it.

15 minutes later I get an email with another 50 dollar gift card.

5 hours later I have not heard back from the manager. I call back again, am kind to the front line analyst because it’s certainly not HIS fault, but let him know that he needs to find a manager who wants to have the living shit beaten out of them. He finds a supervisor who has agreed to take the call and transfers me...at which point I am on hold for a full 20 minutes. During this time, as I’m sure you can imagine, I am taking slow deep breaths and just relaxing...enjoying the beautiful summer day outside my office, listening to the birds chirp.

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For the record, that is a fucking lie. I am foaming at the mouth, punching walls, glaring at squirrels and telling the happily chirping birds to shut the fuck up before I bite their goddamn little chirpy heads off. Supervisor picks up the phone and gets as far as “Hello, this is...” and hangs up.

I call back. This time I tell the analyst who answers that I hope they are ready to be abused for a moment before I ask for a manager. I then begin to discuss their origins, the sexual proclivity of their mother, and their father’s passion for farm animals. I get transferred to the supervisor and, after another 10 minute hold, am told that they will need to check with the warehouse - they emailed them after my earlier call but had not heard back yet. I will DEFINITELY, they assure me, have delivery the next day.

At this point, my wife posts the following to yelp. It is a brilliantly written explanation of how we are both feeling, and truly shows her skills with the written word...though she was someone constrained by yelp’s rules about not saying “fuck” over and over again:

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“I’m divorced and I once threw away a winning lottery ticket. I still don’t regret anything in my life as much as I regret trying to have a grill and a patio set delivered from Sears. We’ve had four for four failed delivery attempts and today is the day I tell them all the places they can actually put the grill. Customer service is a joke. The automated system frequently disconnects. The managers are authorized to offer 50 dollar giftcards and that’s it. They can’t help explain problems or fix them, just hope that you’ll he tempted by a free $50 to spend on more broken, useless, undeliverable garbage. If I were a better person, I would have the store condemed. I can’t pull that off. I can just wave a giant eff’in flag and try my damnedest to warn you: DO NOT SHOP HERE. IT WILL SUCK. #searssucks. I wish I’d done my research before I went shopping.”

Anyway...5 PM comes and I get into my car and my phone rings. It is Frank. Frank wants to be my savior. Frank is the warehouse supervisor. Frank has been briefed on everything that has occurred so far. Frank knows better than to offer me a fucking gift card, and Frank is sympathetic and realizes how awful everything that has happened so far is. Frank needs to check the delivery schedule and see what he can do...but he doesn’t anticipate my getting delivery before Wednesday.

Frank calls me back an hour later and tells me that he’s personally making sure an assembled grill will be on the truck, and that the patio set will be assembled on Wednesday. He asks for my preferred delivery time and I tell him we MUST be the first delivery, that we cannot miss another day of work waiting around for a delivery that I have ZERO confidence will show up. He tells me I will be the first delivery, around 8:30 AM, and gives me his direct phone number.

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I go home, and my wife is (understandably) not pleased. She wants to cancel everything and tell Sears to eat shit. She wants to try to cancel other things that were purchased (service plan for washer/dryer). She wants to demand money back, and compensation for plans we canceled. Matinee theater tickets that we gave up. Family BBQ that we canceled FOUR FUCKING TIMES. She is irate. I do not blame her, but I tell her of my new friend Frank. Frank, I tell her, is going to take care of everything. Frank would not let me down - we have an understanding. He recognizes my plight and is taking ownership, unlike the plethora of semi-English speaking people that we’ve already dealt with. Frank is my goddamn Sears soulmate. She insists that I call back and cancel and demand lots of things...and I go to bed, hoping that tomorrow (today, as I’m writing this) will be a better day.

I text her from work and ask if she still really wants me to cancel. She says yes...not understanding, clearly, the depth of my total trust and love for Frank. I convince her that starting over will be a pain in the ass...and that we NEED to put our trust in Frank. She agrees, with the caveat that anything that goes wrong with Sears from this point forward is, and I quote, “YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM” (worth mention, she then doesn’t respond for several hours and I think I’m in the doghouse...turns out she was just doing other things). This would concern me, but I know all is ok. After all...it’s Frank.

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I get home from work today and my phone rings. It’s Sears calling with their reminder about my first thing in the morning delivery...that is now scheduled for 12:15 to 2:15 in the afternoon. I call Frank’s direct line but, of course, he’s gone for the day and doesn’t even have voicemail. I want to tell him how hurt I am. I want to tell him how he’s hurt me emotionally. I want to tell him of my professed trust for him, and ask him how he could do this to me. Mostly, I want to tell him that he is a fucking lying dog molesting goat fucker with a droopy eye and ass breath. I want to tell him that I am putting a hex on him, his mother, his daughters, his pets, his neighbors and THEIR mothers and pets too. I want to tell him to expect a flaming bag of feces on his porch, wherever the fuck that is. Below is a simulated image of Frank, as I now think of him.

So here I sit, wondering what tomorrow will bring...but if you think the story is over, you’re wrong. We are JUST getting started on the story of Sears’ fantastic customer service.

Reaching them online

I’m a computer guy. As such I ALWAYS prefer to reach out to customer service people by online chat or email. For one thing it means I’m not wasting time sitting on hold. For another it means I can keep a record of conversations and whatnot. It’s come in handy at times in the past when issues have arisen.

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So somewhere between delivery 3 and 4, I decide to reach out to Sears corporate, since I’m not getting ANYWHERE with the rest of these putzes. I reach out by email. I reach out by twitter. I reach out by facebook. Twitter response is, essentially, “We see you spoke to someone so everything should be fine” - yeah, fuck you twitter guy. Fuck you real hard.

Facebook, we go back and forth a bit, but apart from typical customer service “Oh I’m so sorry that we let you down” horse shit, I get no place.

So I email Sears corporate. These are the big guys. The guys responsible for making sure blog entries like this one don’t get fucking written. I send them a message describing this entire RIDICULOUS fucking fiasco...and here is what I get back:

“Dear Geekymitch

Thank you for contacting Sears. We appreciate hearing from you. My name is Reading and I am a member services advocate. I apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced with the delivery.

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We appreciate your feedback. By sharing your ideas, you have enabled us to address the issues and provide feedback to the delivery team. Truly, your remarks provide valuable feedback that will enable Sears Holdings to improve the customer experience.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We value your relationship with Sears, and hope that you will continue to make Sears Holdings your choice for quality and value. We appreciate your business and look forward to assisting you in the future.

Sincerely,

Reading R.

Sears Holdings Corporation”

A form letter. A motherfucking form letter. This is certainly the biggest set of fuck ups I’ve EVER had to deal with, and I get a piece of shit form letter in response from these cocksmoking prickbags. I reply to this DELIGHTFUL form letter with this:

“Reading,

While I appreciate your sympathy, I’d like to know what it is that Sears as a company is going to do to resolve the issue. A month later and I STILL do not have a grill, or an assembled patio set...and it seems that dealing with customer care or the store directly is nothing more than a complete waste of time. My wife has taken time off of work to wait for deliveries that have NEVER COME.

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Is sears going to do anything to make this right or shall I simply call the store and cancel everything? At this point I have ZERO faith that Sears will EVER get these things delivered to me.

Worth mention that the “manager” who I spoke to who was going to fix everything for me...STILL has not called me back 4 hours later.”

I get a reply back from “Oggy” who advises me to call the delivery hotline. I reply to Oggy telling him to read my fucking email and see that this is NOT my first goddamn go around...and that if I don’t get some satisfaction, I’m going to make sure that nobody I know EVER shops at Sears or any of their “Family of stores” again. I’m going to spend an hour EVERY DAY posting bad shit to their facebook, to their twitter, to yelp, to whatever outlet I can include (wish I’d thought of whitenoise before now). In response, I receive a very thorough and helpful email from a high level manager, describing in detail how they are going to resolve my situation.

That last bit? That was a lie. The cowardly cocksuckers do not respond AT ALL.

So where are we now?

Now we are waiting to see how they fuck this up tomorrow. I got back in touch with their facebook chat person and let them know that any delivery guy who shows up here at 12:15 - 2:15 will be picking up the patio set and not leaving a damn thing at my house. I’ve also let them know that I expect a full refund for EVERYTHING, and that I further want my “service contract” for the washer and dryer canceled because they are not welcome in my house. Now I’ve been “assigned a manager” and a “Case number”...because clearly that is the way we fix this whole thing.

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So please folks, I know this was a long read. I know it probably wasn’t terribly interesting...and perhaps it’s not meant to be. The ONLY thing this is meant to do is to tell anyone who doesn’t already know to not shop at Sears. Ever. For anything. If a fucking crescent wrench is the difference between a long and happy life and a miserable slow and agonizing death, and Sears is the ONLY store around, TAKE THE FUCKING DEATH. At least things will be over QUICKLY. This saga has gone on for over a month (as if moving into a new home doesn’t have ENOUGH shit to deal with).

P.S. I just got a return email from Sears corporate advising me that they consider the matter closed because they see I am scheduled to take delivery between 7AM and 9PM on motherfucking THURSDAY. So now I have no idea what DAY they’re coming, and my window has magically expanded from 2 to 14 hours.

Fuck you Sears. From the deepest place in my soul, fuck you.