AAAHHH!!! That's not water! It's acid! IT BURNS!

Personal hygiene. It's something most of us practice on a daily basis. We brush our teeth, take showers, wash our hands, use deodorants and generally try to be clean.

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Most of us do, at least. We all know that one person whom you wished would shower on a more, regular?, frequent?, basis. Or that one person who you just want to shove a dump truck full of Tic Tacs in their mouth just so you can talk to them.

But, those icky, dirty, people are the rare exception.

Too bad every single one of you is the dirty, icky person. So, I guess they aren't so rare.

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Anyone who is OCD about being clean, just walk away. Walk away right now and never look at this post again.

I'll start things off with something you can do absolutely nothing about. Even if you shower 76 times a day, and carry a sink with you to continuously wash your hands, this is still going to happen to you.

Every day, every person inhales oxygen so we can live. But, with that oxygen comes other substances. Like, the 1 litre of "gaseous rectal discharge" you take in each and every day. Yes friends, you inhale about 1 litre of farts every day. Ass-gas. Booty-toots. Every. Day. Some of it is from animals. But, if you live in a city, it's mostly human.

Ahem....moving right along.....Do you shake hands? Well, we all know germs are transmitted by shaking hands. But, if you're an average person, every year you will shake hands with 6 men who haven't washed their hands since the last time they masturbated. Still going to offer your hand to the boss when he stops by the cubicle?

Ugh. I need a cup of coffee after that. But, I'm drinking mine from a disposable cup. Because studies have shown that 10% of all coffee mugs, including the ones at home and the ones at work, have diarrhea inducing E. coli bacteria on them. So, not only do you inhale poop in an aerosol form, you drink it as well.

That's it. No more coffee for me. I'm going out to get me some lunch. And not to some cheap joint either. I'm going quality today. But, regardless of where you eat, fast food, fine dining, at home, you're going to ingest on average, 12 pubic hairs a year. Some of them yours, others, not so much.

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All right, that's it. I'm going home to my sweetie pie where I'll be safe from all the disgusting things out there.

So, when you got home, did you kiss your sweetie pie? Well, your sinuses drain continuously down the back of the nasal passage, which also happens to be called, the back of your mouth, and this drainage, (aka: snot), gets mixed with your saliva, which you then traded with your sweetie pie. But don't worry! Your sweetie might love you, but their immune system doesn't. Immediately after the exchange of fluids, their white blood cells will start attacking everything you left behind. Although, the white blood cells do sometimes get sidetracked by all the fungus that grows in a human mouth.

Oh, you brush, floss and rinse with a quality mouthwash? Too bad. You could rinse with hydrochloric acid, (please don't. It tastes icky), and you couldn't kill the fungus that just loves your mouth.

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You know, on second thoughts, go find all those people that I told to walk away earlier, and make them read this too. No reason you should hate me on your own.

But the worst part of this post is: I don't feel bad for telling you any of this at all. In fact, it's making me giggle as I write these words, imagining the reactions when you all read this.

Ah, life is good.