“Ged dif fugin foap oup uf muh mouf!”

Oh Ralphie, you so funny. Maybe if you weren’t such a little potty mouth, you wouldn’t have to suck on a Lifebouy all the time. I mean, you’re a self admitted connoisseur of soap.

Who here remembers getting your mouth washed out with soap? I hope it’s not just me. Although I never had to suck on a bar like Ralphie did. No, I just got the drop of dishwashing soap on the tongue. That had to sit for 3 minutes. Which wouldn’t have been bad if you didn’t let the soap move off that one spot. But it did. Always.

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Nw, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a little sailor. Most of my cussing as a child was from accidental slips. Or from imitating my parents. Like the time when I was about 5 and my cousin who was 3 spilled his drink on me. I jumped up and said something along the lines of “Son of a bitch!” as I jumped up. Yeah. That went over well.

But it’s funny. Because little kid swears aren’t always punished. I ate soap in the last incident because of the company we were around. It was my moms side of the family and they took that sort of thing very seriously. Whereas my dads side had a much different attitude. For example, I think it was the same summer and we were at a family reunion. I, being 5 and able to read, was recruited as the beer boy. It was my job to fetch beer for the adults. Now, while I could read, some pronunciations were still a little tough for me. But everyone got a huge kick out of the fact that I couldn’t pronounce the ‘l’ in Schlitz. Moms family would have been apoplectic. Dads family couldn’t stop laughing.

For as long as there’s been people, there’s been swear words. And depending on who you listened to, cursing was either something people did, or something that would cause you to burn in hell for all eternity.

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If you were a part of the eternal burning crowd, you most likely substituted words for curses. Words like: flipping, shoot, heck, gosh darnit, jeepers creepers, and so on. But did that really save their souls? According to some fundamentalists using curse words is a ticket straight to hell. And taking the lords name in vain? Oh good gosh almighty! So, they substitute.

But is God really fooled? Is it the words or the intent that causes the issue? Because if you think you’ll spend eternity suffering in hell for saying something like, “God Damnit! This fucker parks like shit!”, so instead you say, “Gosh darnit! This flipping person parks like crap!”, do you really think you’re fooling God? Doesn’t he judge your intent? I mean, if you use a substitute curse word, you’re still cursing. The only one you’re fooling is your own hypocritical self.

That’s why I say if you’re going to curse, do it with style! Do it with panache! Do it the ottermann way and you will be so much more satisfied.

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So. What exactly is the ottermann way of cursing? It’s different enough to be the subject of an oddities post.

Like I said, if you must curse, curse with style. I am a Marine. I might not be on active duty anymore, but once a Marine, always a Marine. And the one thing Marines do well is curse. We use curse words as verbs, nouns, adjectives, prepositions, (propositions, even), why, we use curse words as terms of endearment! So, needless to say, otter has a potty mouth. But many people don’t realize it. Because of my style.

One of the things I like to do is to use old curse words. For example, instead of ‘God damnit’ I’ll use ‘Oddsbodkins’. It’s a word derived from the Middle Ages that substitutes for ‘Gods Body’. (that was not an acceptable thing to say in pious company).

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Another one I like is ‘Gadzooks’ which is a corruption of ‘Gods Hooks’ which is a reference to the nails used in the crucifixion. It’s used in the case of a surprise instead of the more mundane “Holy shit!’.

I have frequently called people I dislike a ‘Beard splitter’. This is a term from the Victorian era that means penis. So, instead of calling someone a ‘dick’, I call them a ‘Beard splitter’.

I work half my day in a school, so I must watch my language. But sometimes you really need to call out a dumbass for being a dumbass. When a student asks why their computer broke, I refrain from saying, “Because you’re a dumbass”, and instead say, “Because you’re a Fopdoodle”. I’m not exactly sure where the word comes from, but my grandpa used it a lot. It means, ‘dumbass’.

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Ever have the desire to disparage someone old, but still want to retain some semblance of respect? Call them a ‘Mumblecrust’. It’s a term from the Shakespearian era that refers to a toothless beggar found in many plays. But it works as a generic put down for old people.

Now, all I’ve done here is shown you substitute words for curse words. They have style, but they are still just substitutes. If you want to curse with panache, you need to actually curse. You know, using the real words?

So when I must curse with actual words to get my point across but don’t want to appear gauche by using the mundane words the common folk use to curse, I curse in latin. And soon, you’ll be able to curse in latin too!

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First, lets start off with the single words and their meaning:

  • Faex = shit
  • Futuo = fuck
  • Cane = bitch (as in female canine, not your friends mom)
  • Irrumator = bastard
  • Deodamnatus = damnit

Those are just some of the basics. When you combine them or add to them you get the familiar:

  • Filius canis = son of a bitch
  • Futue te ipsi = fuck you
  • Perite = fuck off
  • Ede faecam = eat shit
  • futuere = get fucked

And if you really want to go to town:

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  • Te futueo et caballum tuum = screw you and the horse you rode in on
  • ututus et mori in igni = fuck off and die in a fire
  • Es scortum obscenus vilis = you are a vile, perverted whore
  • Es mundus excrementi = you’re a pile of shit
  • Podex perfectus es = you’re a complete asshole
  • Potes meos suaviari clunes = you can kiss my ass

That, my friends, is how you curse with style and panache. It really doesn’t matter which old curse words you recycle. Pick the ones you like and go to town. As for the language of choice, I use latin because it’s, well........the language of the Catholic Church and the nations courts. So I want to be prepared.