What did you say it was that you wanted? Candy?
At some point in our lives, we've all uttered the phrase, "I want candy!". Maybe it was because you wanted candy, or maybe you were singing along with Bow-Wow-Wow. (Now you recognize the girl in the picture...)
Candy is something that, in moderation, can be a wonder drug. It will make a child shut the hell up, it'll torture the friends who brought their child over without permission, (obviously you secretly feed the kid 17 mini Snickers right before the trip home..), it'll help ease the stress of a bad day, it'll help you get lucky on February 14th, and gosh darn it, it tastes good!
Well, let me qualify that last one. It tastes good unless it has raisins or maple in it. I Maple is one of those flavors I've never liked. I consider it to be almost as vile as ketchup. (which also should never be made into candy). And raisins are good on their own, but in anything, including candy, is just wrong. You come near me with a box of Raisinettes, and I'm stuffing them in the various openings on your face, excluding the mouth.
Not surprisingly, chocolate is the main ingredient in the worlds most popular candies. In America, the top selling candies are M&M's, and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. In the United Kingdom, India and Australia, Cadburys Dairy Milk takes the top spot. (If you've never had a Dairy Milk, GO. GET. ONE. NOW! You won't be sorry.)
There are sick individuals out there, though. Individuals who think candy should be something you would never eat. Like a lollypop with a scorpion in it. Or, booger flavored jelly beans. (really? who ensured the taste was accurate? and, if you eat one and like it, will it make you start picking and picnicking in the nasal area?)
Today, I have several candies that fall into the 'What the.....seriously?' category of candy. Some of it might be good. Some of it probably isn't. But all of it will convince you that, 'If you make it, some idiot will buy it.".
1. Liquid Urine Candy. It's a candy syrup that's sour. And, it comes in a specimen cup. And, I don't care how good it is, there is no way I could be convinced to try it. Where my guarantee that it hasn't been 'refilled'?
2. Camel Balls. This is a chewing gum with a sour liquid center. I'm not sure exactly when the trend for candy went from sweet to sour, but if I bite into one of these and it tastes like sweat, I'm going ballistic.
3. Cocktail Weenies Bubble Gum. I suppose these would be good for a prank. Dump a bunch in a crock pot and smother in BBQ sauce, and take to the next pot luck you go to. I don't recommend cooking them, though. Melted gum might be hard to clean. Don't worry, though. They taste like regular bubble gum.
4. Foie Gras Bubble Gum. Another gum. Except this one doesn't taste like bubble gum. No, it actually tastes like liver pate. Liver flavored gum. Gum and liver. Liver gum. No...there's just no way I can say that and make it sound good.
5. Pickle Pops. No, not a frozen pickle on a stick. It's a pop in the same way Otter Pops are. It's a frozen liquid in a plastic tube you eat it out of. This just happens to be flavored with actual dill pickle juice. I don't know why. It just is. I guess it's made for people who want the pickle flavor without eating a pickle? Or, maybe it's more dignified than the next selection.
6. Dill Pickle Pops. Don't go confusing these with the last selection. These are for people who aren't ashamed of their pickle habits. It looks like a pickle. It tastes like a pickle. It's on a stick. But, it's made from sugar. And it's a neon green color, so, it'll make your tongue pretty.
7. Corn Dog Mints. I like corn dogs. I eat them at the fair when I go. I even get one for lunch sometimes. It's a hot dog covered in corn bread and deep fried. How can you not like it? A mint that tastes like a corn dog, however, is not the same thing. I just don't think it's right to do that to a corn dog. (check out the Frank and Beans Flavored Gum on this page, too)
8. Zombie Mints. Got to have that fresh breath when the zombies come knocking at your door. I've never had one, and don't plan on having any either, but they supposedly taste like brain. Because, brain is an actual food. Down south, brains and eggs is an actual breakfast you can actually buy in actual restaurants. And now, you can have actual mints to finish your meal with.
9. Ok. This one technically isn't a candy. But it has to be included because of the season. Zombie Jerky. It's a 'teri-yucky' flavored jerky. (beef, I hope). If you read the reviews of people who tried it, it apparently is disgusting to eat. Of course, on the bag it states, "100% Dead Meat Chunks", so, it's meat, at least. Maybe? (it's beef jerky, ok? Green, slimy, beef jerky).
All right. I've given you all 9 ideas for the perfect treats to pass out for Halloween. I mean, just imagine the reaction from the kid that gets a cup of pee. Or even a frozen pickle treat. Just remind me to stay the hell away from your house on the 31st.