"I'm not eating it, you eat it." "No way, I'm not eating it!" "I know, let's get Mikey to eat it! He'll eat anything!"

If anyone makes a joke about how 'it tastes just like chicken!', I'm gonna quit.

Yesterday, I did some stupid inventions. I had a couple of people say they'd like to see more, so guess what? I'm taking the easy road and giving them what they want.

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But, you know what? Don't get used to getting what you want. Life is full of disappointment, and I'm about as disappointing as you can get. So, nyah!

What I have complied for you today is another five, absolutely.....idiotic inventions. These make you wonder about what goes on in the human mind. And, they prove that some people have way too much time on their hands.

Every single one of these, just like yesterdays, are actual patented inventions. The pictures I include are taken directly from the actual paten applications. (Kinja formats them wrong for me, so I'm putting them all at the end of the post, and not labeling them. But Figure 1 will be the first pic, Figure 2 will be the second....if you don't see the pattern, I can't help you)

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The first invention I'm showing today is an old one. Slightly older than me, in fact. it was patented in 1966. It's called, The Cheese Filtered Cigarette. Someone obviously wasn't happy with the three flavors of smoke that were available at the time; Regular, menthol and Filterless. I can picture him sitting at home and thinking, "If only my cigarette tasted better...like...oh, I don't know, maybe...cheddar?". Yeah. Sounds delicious. But, wouldn't the mice constantly steal your smokes? (See Figure 1)

Next up, is an invention from 1982, and was imagined as a life saver. It's called The Toilet Snorkel. Yes. You read that right. It's a known fact that the majority of fire related deaths are caused by smoke inhalation. So, how do you prevent that? You give people a way to get fresh air. The water in your toilet bowl stays there due to the curve in the pipes. It creates a water trap. The toilet snorkel is designed to be inserted into the bowl, shoved down the pipe and past the water trap to the empty pipes behind the water. You know, the pipe that connects to the sewer? You can the breathe all the fresh air you want until you are rescued. Did I say fresh air? (See Figure 2)

Let's see...how can I top that? I know, with an invention patented in 1998. We all know that sometimes, when you're at the beach, the sand gets hot. Like, really hot. Too hot to walk on barefoot. I always thought that's what flip flops were for. Apparently, I don't know squat about beach footwear. I give you, The Beach Boot. Let's ignore the fact that, if the sand is too hot to walk on, it's also too hot to be wearing boots. However, ignoring that, someone designed a boot that sits on two thin rubber treads. These treads look, and work, just like the treads on a tank. They are run by a small motor whose batteries are stored in the sole of the boot. Why you need boots that crawl along when you can just lift your damn feet is beyond me. (See Figure 3)

This next one I'm including for you who think the beach boot might be cool. It's called The Sunburn Cowboy. Patented in 1982, the sunburn cowboy is a shoulder cape. It is meant to be worn at the beach, and it prevents your shoulders from becoming sunburned. And, to make it extra fashionable, it's fringed. I think the fringe is purely for fashion, but the inventor swears it's to prevent a solid tan line. The straps that go under the arms will give you the tan lines you want. (See Figure 4)

Finally, we come to an item patented in 1998. It's for all you germ-a-phobes out there. It's called, The Kissing Shield. This is a wire frame with a thin sheet of latex stretched over it to prevent the passing of germs when two people kiss. (I did find one that had a protrusion for the tonge, but couldn't find the patent for it, so I'm not including it.) Personally, I think if you're close enough to someone to kiss them on the lips, you're probably close enough to swap infectious materiel. And, just so you don't think the person using the kissing shield isn't romantic, the wire frame is cleverly bent into the shape of a heart. How sweet. (See Figure 5)

All right kiddies, there you have five more objects that don't deserve to exist. Thankfully, none of them are for sale. I hope. I hope someone from Thanko doesn't read this. Can you imagine a USB Toilet Snorkel?

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