Workers of the world, throw down your oppressors! Reject the bourgeois! Join the proletariat! Oh, and Happy Labor Day.....

Labor day. It's a holiday. So, here's a quick oddities post for you dealing with labor day.

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Women, this is not going to be a shock to you. Men....run away. Run fast and run far.

  • When a woman goes into labor, pushing os one if the things that is encouraged. Well, baby isn't all you get when you push. Many women will poop while pushing during contractions.
  • Not only will they poop, but there is a reason they offer a catheter. Women will pee as well. And they will pee a lot. A whoooole lot.
  • Once the baby os born, contractions don't always stop. They can last for a couple days after giving birth. But, they have good drugs in hospitals, so you probably won't notice.
  • Babies don't come out clean. Ignore all the movies and tv shows you've seen. Babies come out covered in goo. Really gross goo. Sticky, stinky, bloody goo.
  • Babies are encased in a placenta while in the womb. About 10% of the time, the woman retains the placenta. So, doctors have to go get it. Usually with their hands. (think about it....now think about how 'fist' can be a verb....)
  • When a womans water breaks, it's time to go to the hospital. You may be there for a while. But, no matter how hungry you are, you won't get fed. Vomiting is a common part of the transition from pre-labor to full blown labor.
  • Women don't stop bleeding once the baby is out. No, they will bleed for a while after. In fact, the hospital will supply them with special maxi pads. And a topical Novocain spray. And ice packs shaped like a maxi pad.
  • Get ready for the stitches. Ripping is common when the baby comes out. Sometimes the doctor will have to use scissors to cut. But, the stitches are usually minimal. But, about 1% of women will tear all the way from the vagina to the anus. (guess who declined the epidural....)

Anyway, none of this is a shock to women. But the men out there are all cringing, pale, and looking at their girlfriends/wives with a whole new respect.

Oh, I suppose I can toss in a couple extra facts:

  • Male babies will get erections in the womb.
  • The longest human pregnancy on record is 375 days. The baby was born healthy and only weighed 7lbs.
  • Pregnant women really do glow. Their bodies produce up to 50% more blood giving them a rosy complexion. They also secrete more oil making their skin shine.
  • Most women only need an extra 300 calories a day while pregnant. So, don't use the excuse that you're eating for two. You'll just put on a ton of baby weight that will be tough to drop later.
  • Men will sometimes suffer from weight gain, morning sickness and cramps during pregnancy.

Ok. Enjoy your Labor Day. And remember, if you must picket, picket for beer!