Greeting, fellow fans of law, flaws, and tacos. You caught me catching up on some of my old favorites. It’s wonderful to get lost in a blog post, isn’t it? Legal issues and heroics and discovery: don’t they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle readers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call: Loki, Slayer of the Law Blogs.

And afterwards, why not stay a while in the comments for the SECOND ANNUAL QUESTIONS!

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1. Hey, remember that time when you needed to find an attorney? Yeah, you know that time. Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son, but drunk, stupid, and naked is a good way to get arrested on Main Street. Anyway, there were a few ideas on how you could find your own attorney, instead of reading generic advice on the internet.

One way is to look at the attorney’s website. Here’s a quick way to tell the lies that the attorney is telling you from the total BS that the attorney is shoveling:

After looking at a bunch of pretty pictures on websites ... You! Yes, you! Both hands on the keyboard now ... it helps to understand that different attorneys do different things. This is why you don’t bring your DUI Attorney to a Class Action FLSA fight. I mean, you might, if you plan on drinking and driving to the hearing, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

So, here’s the thing. Attorneys, like all good and just people, like money. But because they have a strong sense of morality, they like money even more than other people. Because of this, it is important to know ... how is your attorney getting paid? And if the answer is: CHEETOS, someone is doing it wrong. Or very, very, right. At least, it would explain why all of my pleadings are orange.

Finally, the semi-end of the attorney series (cue welling music, then Peter Jackson laughing maniacally as he fakes you out YET AGAIN!) discussed the best way to get yer-selves a real high-falutin’ barrister type, with a referral.

2. The First Amendment. Yeah, First in our hearts, First of the Amendments, and First thing every rando on the internet screams. BUT YOU CAN’T CENSOR ME, MAN, IT’S MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT!

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So first is an overview and deconstruction of the First Amendment, showing why almost everyone is wrong. Except me. Because YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS, MAN!

Following that was a preview of a Supreme Court case involving the First Amendment, Texas, the Confederate Flag, and the late Justice Scalia consuming large amounts of cheese. Alas, as later developments would show, I was entirely correct, the Supreme Court is not infallible, and Justice Scalia should not have eaten all of that cheese.

3. It’s the law, stupid. Some people just like to read about the law in general, you know, because it makes them feel smart ... or, more importantly, so they can use these facts later to make other people feel dumb..er...erererer. Just remember, kids, it’s not about making yourself feel better, it’s about making everyone else feel worse. In the end, happiness is always relative. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, in which case happiness is getting as far away from your relatives as possible.

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In the beginning, I created the Earth, the Heavens, Loki’s Law Blog, and discussed the difference between state courts (with a state court judge) and federal courts (with an Art. III God).

Not all federal cases are created equal, so in order to illuminate the differences in various federal courts, we went on a little voyage ‘cross Murika, stopping off at the different Courts of Appeal.

Speaking of appeals, the most important thing to know after you lose your case (and you will lose) is how you will appeal. Because losing twice is super nice.

Of course, it does help to understand when you will lose your lawsuit, so I helpfully provided the stages of litigation. This way, when you attorney tells you that you lost, you can reply, “Oh, was it on a motion to dismiss, on summary judgment, or because you drank too much again?”

All of this losing leads to inevitable question ... why don’t I just represent myself, you know, pro se (Latin for “chump”). And the answer, my friend, is blowing in this post.

Finally, I explained statutes of limitations-

Sanctions-

And answered some questions about Mr. William Cosby and jury duty.

So, if you made it down here, welcome to the SECOND ANNUAL QUESTIONS! That’s right. Ask a question below in the comments. And if I like it, I might answer it in the next post. Necessary disclaimer- please do not ask me specific questions about an actual legal problem you are facing. Get an attorney; legal issues are fact- and jurisdiction-specific, and best solved by real attorneys and large sums of cash paid to the judge. And I know all, if you write, “So, uh, a friend of mine wondered if he could sue the stapler company since they failed to warn him, um, that’s it not an approved proctological device,” then, well, just stop it Brad. We all know what happened. And we don’t ever want to touch your stapler.